History of Me 1978-2010

Everyone seems to be writing these, year summary blogs (or letters, like Emily).  I know I haven’t really posted or blogged in ages.. and I may ore may not actually finish this and explain.

So Just this past year seems like not enough.. so I I’ve feeling nostalgic and am going to do something more silly.

My life in summary!

1978- I was born, I’m pretty sure the world stopped for a second because I’m so awesome!

1979-1997 – Lived in Smithers, it’s a boring story.  My grandmother passed away.  We moved into town.  A few years later my Grandpa passed away.  Went to France on a school trip, I always wonder if this was the beginning of the end.  Met my little brother and dad’s side of the family. I graduated from high school, started working at my mom’s company (Newpro), got laid off  and on the same day received a uni acceptance letter.  Applied for loans and off I went.

1997-2001 – Moved to Prince George, BC, went to UNBC.  Partied, studied, and all that good uni stuff.  Made lots of new friends, had ups, had downs.  Ended contact with my dad.  Dated, ended up with Erik which while the relationship was terrible and we should have ended it when I originally.  It was a pivotal factor in the rest of my life.  Tracey moved to Japan on Jet. At the end of school, had a conversation with my friend Mike Yeh where he suggested I love to Taiwan.  I scoffed.  I broke up with Erik, and suddenly realized why the hell not?

2001-2002 – moved home to stay with mom (saving money before the move), made plans to hang out in Thailand for almost 2 months.  Got a passport, all my visas, and finally on a jet plane. Arrived in Bangkok on December 7, 2001.  Exited the plane to be hit by a wall of hot wet air.  Travelled around Thailand with Tracey, we took sleeper trains, busses, boats, planes, stayed in hotels, hostels.  Went diving, got certified with PADI.  I got some weird unexplained sickness, hallucinated my way around a tiny town (because I dipped and Tracey was frantic trying to figure out how to fine me) in the south and Tracy found me chatting with dogs, sorry about that.  Went back to Bangkok, Tracey went back to Japan and I headed to Taipei. Cue next chapter.

2002 – Jan 12, 2002 I arrived in Taipei city in Taiwan.  I always said that I planned to stay for at least 5 years, I wanted to stick it out, make money, learn a language, and a new culture (all part of Mike’s sales pitch).  I did say that if I was still here after 10 years, that I had to move home to see if I was really wanting to stay or if I was just scared to move.  Moved into my first apartment in Taipei it was hideous.

2002-2005 – Travelled to Japan to visit Tracey in March 2002.  Travelled to Thailand a few times.  Tracey came to Taipei to visit.  Went back to Canada, a couple of times to visit the family.  By being snotty, I offended Sammi, made myself less than popular and was blissfully ignorant of what I had done. Got my first passport abroad (was actually my third passport) the guarantor was an interesting challenge. Moved to a much better but more expensive place, when our landlord sold out place my friend Sarah and I got the place I’m in now and furnished it.

2005-2009- Taiwan changed the APRC requirement from 7 years to 5 years, right about my 5-6 year mark, no I didn’t apply. Tracey moved back to Taiwan after her south American back packing trip. Met and fell in love with my ex, who was married and bipolar, that was a ride that went on for a while (on and off for years). Went to Thailand again in 2006.  Moved to Brazil for 5-6 months with Tracey  in the fall of 2006.  We lived in Sao Paulo for a while, travelled around and spent the last month (2?) travelling around, drinking, partying and beaching.  oh I miss it.  Went on a visa run to Argentina, accidentally and illegally went to Paraguay. Moved back to Taipei in The spring of 2007. Went to Hong Kong for the first time with Tracey and Melissa for my birthday, stayed at Mike’s place.  What a crazy weekend! Also went to Disney Land (even though it was micro Disney) for the first time. Went to the USA for the first time ever 🙂 in 2007.  Went to Boracay (a beach holiday destination in the Philippines) with a big group of friends, that was a wild and great time. Went to the states again in 2008, still with on again off again ex.  Made peace with my soon to be sister. Got back in touch with my little brother.

2009-2010 – Went to Thailand for Jody and Kai’s wedding, and I almost missed my flight.  It was the last hurrah for our circle, Tracey moved back to Canada, Melissa stayed in Thailand and then moved back to Canada. Had a big trip to Canada, went to Toronto and Niagra falls for the first time, actually the first time I’ve ever been east of Alberta.  Got over my ex and let all that go, finally.  Ended up having a great bonding moment with Sammi and we adopted each other <3. I went to Hong Kong to Visit Gabby twice.  Raygan moved to Japan, and I went to Japan to visit.  Got my finances under control and it seemed like I might actually be able to get out of debt.

It’s so obvious that you’re an only child

You totally have only child syndrome. Why? Why is it obvious?  Actually, I have a brother and a couple of sisters, though I wasn’t raised with them.  I’ve always thought that this psychoanalysis of my personality was annoying and rude, but I never really bothered to look into it.  Well now I find it even more obnoxious, because neither have any of the people who fucking say it to me clearly.  It’s just something that they think they know about but clearly are just spouting out of their asses.  Making assumptions based on my personality traits, in no way taking into consideration my upbringing or family.

Sure I exhibit some of the traits of an only child, I was raised alone.. but at the same time in crucial points in my development I was living with other kids, my cousins for example.

 

So what has gotten bug in my ass about this now?  It’s not like people are coming up to me right now and making these asinine statements or at least not with any kind of regularity.  Well for one, I work with kids of all ages and have for about 10 years, so I’m going to go right ahead and say I feel pretty confident of the insight into kids behavior I have acquired over the years.  And plus, I’m part time living with a 2 year old ( not the most charming of creatures most of the time) who is an only child, and a wee bit spoiled (mom and grandma dote ).  Of course you have to factor in that he is only two… and some of that ‘charm’ is just the delights of the age… and truth be told, over all he’s a pretty nice kid.

 

So on to only children… I took this from an article online “Many of the negative attitudes towards only children are based on the following view that only children are:

• Over indulged
• Require constant attention
• Are selfish – and put their needs first
• Expect their needs to be instantly gratified
• Fear independence and leaving home
• Can’t empathize with others as their world revolves around themselves – in psychological terms narcissistic.

 

The Only Children I’ve known have all pretty much matched the clichés about children who had no siblings. Spoiled, bratty, self-centred, selfish, an odd sense of entitlement, difficult to get along with plus a tendency to say inappropriate things that are rude and ill-mannered. Yet being extremely hyper-sensitive and brittle about even the most remotely critical remark going in their direction.

 

Seriously… and people refer to me as having only child syndrome.. have they met me?

 

Over indulged… hardly, I learned from a young age that you can’t have everything because you can’t afford it.  I earned my own money even as a little kid, I never had an allowance, I was paid for specific tasks that were my jobs.  I didn’t work, I didn’t get shit.

 

Require constant attention… ok.. well you’ve got me there I am an attention whore.. but so is my sister and my nephew, neither of whom were raised as only children… I’m calling in genetics and the common demominator here… Hell even if mom claims it skipped her.. My grandma.. champion attention whore.. my aunt, my uncle.. terrible.. a thousand times worse than me … none of them only children.  So I’m going to have to call that a family trait.

 

Selfish… sure .. now.  I’ve been working on being selfish and taking care of myself first for years, and I still kind of suck at it.  I care about my people, and I would go to the moon and back to help them if I could.  I wrote a huge email to a friend of mine about learning to be selfish as an armor, a way to protect yourself from the hurts because no one else is going to look out for you, not before themselves.  So.. going to say no there too.

 

Expect their needs instantly gratified… ok sure.  But, lol honestly? In this day and age.. you show me someone that doesn’t apply to and I’ll show you a Tibetan monk or something of the like.  EVERYONE these days is ridiculous about the instant gratification…. Think it doesn’t apply to you? When did you last check, your facebook/email/phone for replies to things …. Mmmmhmmm that’s what I thought.  I don’t even know that it’s all that bad.. I mean especially for those of is overseas…. Facebook and the like are how we keep in touch and connected to those far away from us.  (speaking from recent experience, I never realized how hard it is being so far from family and friends when you can’t easily contact them).

 

Fear independence and leaving home… I’m just going to shake my head and chuckle here.

 

Can’t empathize with others… right.  Common complaint about me.. oh wait no.  Meanwhile I’m all teary bc people around me are sad or stressed, but I lack empathy.. eye roll.  I wish (sometimes)

 

I will admit my feelings are pretty easily hurt and it might be a symptom of being an only child, but I personally think it has more to do with the peer abuse I took all through my school years.  That left some ugly scars that still come out to bite me from time to time even today.

 

Interestingly, another thing I read said ”  “People articulate that only children are spoiled, they’re aggressive, they’re bossy, they’re lonely, they’re maladjusted,” she said. “There have been hundreds and hundreds of research studies that show that only children are no different from their peers.”^[8] Similarly, a popular belief is held that only children have aversive social skills, and therefore a harder time making friends. Based on a 2004 study of American middle and high school students, such beliefs were confirmed false.”

 

NAH…. Take that.

 

The thing that really got my goat, was that the one thing that most people use as their clinching proof that I am maladjusted because I was raised as an only child.  Is never mentioned, in any of the studies or articles I read (ok some I just skimmed but still).  What is this illustrious issue?  The fact that I really don’t like other people messing with my shit.  Turns out, and I’ve always said this, that has nothing to do with it.  It’s like mentioning the price of tea in china as evidence as to why my shoes are dirty.  What the fuck.  Dumb asses.  You want to know why I am so possessive of wait for it… my possessions?  Well one, their fucking mine and I value them, probably because they were either a gift or I worked hard to get them.  And two, I was raised that way.  When I was a wee little kid, my mom taught me, this is mine that is yours.  If it’s not yours, don’t touch it without asking.  Even now, I feel a little stab of guilt if I touch anything of someone’s without express permission even if I KNOW they don’t mind and I’m completely allowed.  And if they are there, I’ll probably ask again, just in case.  It’s not that I’m not willing to share, I’d let almost anyone use or share almost anything of mine, as long as they asked nicely… but don’t waltz into my room and just take it.  And then when I’m like.. dude what the fuck.. don’t pull that only child bullshit out.  Hell I think having siblings and being forced to fucking share EVERYTHING makes you way more MINE MINE MINE than being an only child does.

 

In conclusion, people are stupid.  That is all.  😀  ß– lol that last line .. completely made my day.

Life would be so much simplier

If only I could just ‘settle down’ and want what most people want. Perhaps we’re all doomed to secretly long for something we don’t or can’t have, I don’t really believe that. But I also don’t think it should be this complicated or difficult. Le sigh.

Seriously though, while out I was thinking how much simpler my life would be if I wanted the things that I am ‘supposed’ to want. Such as: kids, a husband, a house with a yard and garage, a normal settled down family life.… yadda yadda. The whole prospect bores me to tears. I genuinely dislike children, and honestly in spite of those who go on about biological clocks, as I get older I’m even less enchanted with rug rats. I freely admit I like kids in certain doses, but it seems I also like it if it’s regulated like with teaching. I’m disgustingly fond of the majority of my students, but just hanging out all day with people’s kids drives me bananas… Like here for example, because I’m often the girl in the group the kids usually come to me and yammer at me in French. What? Hu? Don’t bloody mumble… no you can’t use my computer, which I have already told you 15 times. God what do you want now… I don’t know where your damn toys are go look for them yourself. Oh so go to the car and get them… why the hell do I have to go with you.. turn on the light.. or how about ask your father… yes that guy over there … JESUS WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW… go away… You know I think most old people are just pretending to be deaf so they don’t have to listen to you. (lol none of this is my boyfriend’s kid, he’s a whole different can of worms).

I do not want kids. Let me repeat that for the slow among you. I do not … in anyway want to procreate, rip my bits asunder having a baby, just to be tied… pretty much forever to someone who I may grow to hate. That’s another thing I don’t get… people usually think long and hard before getting married, well some do anyway. But they don’t give it’s a moment’s thought before having a kid with someone. Um hello, at least with marriage if it turns out to be a grievous error you can

Why I’ll never be a Yogi

Well for starters I fucking hate yoga… ok that’s a little strong …. but i honestly don’t like doing it…. And while I do have some very cool yogi friends, I find them to be the exception to the annoying hippy rule.

So why this vauguely cunty post? lol It was just something I was pondering while skittering around on the black ice and feeling the burning in my lungs bc I’m a pussy and a have stupid little lung problems that prevent me from breathing nicely in the cold.   IT causes me all kinds of fun lung pain to run in the cold, not to mention trying to sort clothes to wear (I’d like to point out that it’s only like minus 2, I know wussie)… plus there is the pure thrill of running a road that randomly has patches of invisible ISANELY slippery ice.. good times

Add in the fact that the majority of drivers here react to a runner on the road like city folk react to a black bear on the side of the road, ie stupidly… why in gods name would I venture outside and go for a run?  I spent all this money and this yoga mat…   And there is a wall of windows with sun streaming in… perfect…

Yet .. it seems I’d actually rather torture myself that do the damn yoga.    Don’t get me wrong , like most exercise when you force yourself to ‘get out’ and do it… you feel good, at least when you’re done.  But yeah I just haven’t been able to force myself to pull out the matt, I react to it mentally like a petulant little child… internally pouting, stomping and shouting ‘don’t wanna’….

So much so that I went out today.. skittering about on the ice.. and am sitting on the couch still nursing my ouchy lungs ( like what do you do for THAT??) And all I can think is… gee I hope it warms up soon so I can go running like everyday… and force myself to do yoga… 2-3 times a week.

So yeah…. I’ll never be a yogi….  but it does make me appreciate the love hate love relationship I have with running:  and the hate love hate I have for biking, if only I could get over my hate hate hate relationship with swimming perhaps I could actually do a triathlon one day…

That is all, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Dear Royal Bank: Fail

So I had some financial woes of late, it’s a long story but essentially something happened to my bank account and I had to rush and put all my money on my credit card.  But then there was no money in my account to make their metered out payments, and it was around Chinese New Year so that means no real money coming in for a month or so to send money home.

Anyway it was a bit of a mess, and when I tried to talk to them about it, all they would do is spout parroted bullshit with out any thought.   That’s assuming they would talk to me at all and not be incredibly rude and condescending.   So I ended up just writing it off, I’d make a payment when I was able to send money home.  Normally that would be in a month, two tops… but because of Chinese New Year it ended up taking 3 months to get enough money together to be worth sending home.

My card got cut off, and no one called me or informed me of what was happening.  The only reason I even found out was because I couldn’t update apps on my ipod, and when I called the bank, everyone I talked to was unbelievable rude.  Like I was some sort of  degenerate who had be accumulating mountains of debt and paying nothing for years, as opposed to I missed two payment I live overseas and I contacted then and let them know in advance.  Assholes.

I got pissed off with the rudeness and  asked to be transferred to someone else with manners.  After much BS I finally got someone who didn’t have their head in their ass, got everything sorted out and then I specifically asked if I was going to be running into any other issues or problems in relation to this situation.  I was assured that I wouldn’t and happily went about my life.

Oh another unforeseen shit fest was, I applied for a loan online but wasn’t able to complete it, it would have paid off my credit card and been at a much lower interest rate.  I needed to be in Canada and walk into a bank to sign the papers, but then all this happened and temporarily screwed my credit rating so I couldn’t get the loan while I was home.. most annoying part?  My credit rating corrected within 2-3 months when I was no longer in the country… annoying.

Then, in August they jack my interest rate.. ASSHOLES.  I pay for a low interest rate card and then they bump my interest up…dicks.  I call, pitch a fit and am again treated like a complete piece of shit.  I progressively get more pissed off, and finally get someone polite who agrees that the bank actually screwed up, but she’s not high enough up to change or fix anything.  She promises to talk to people and call me back.  No call, they have completely failed at communicating with and getting back to me.  GRRR

So I call again, pitch a bit of a fit, and insist on speaking to manager, they have taken another installment of interest at this ridiculous rate and everyone is so rude.  There is no manager on, but this girl takes the whole story down and swears someone will call in 24-48 hours max.  Four days later no god damn call.

Now in this time, it occurs to me that I really should just tell them to stuff it.  I mean if I let the card default, let it go into collections, wait a while then contact collections  I can pay it back at 30-50 cents on the dollar.  So I get to keep my money now, don’t have to borrow money from my friend and i’m kinda debt free now.  BITCHES.  sure it messes up my credit rating, in a country I don’t live in and have no intentions of going back to anytime soon.  Shrug, what do I care?

And if I wasn’t such a god damn goodie two shoes…. that is exactly what I would do.  So lame, I wish I was badder…. but given how badly Visa was behaving  I was ready to be bad.

But.. sigh… this week I called and actually got someone intelligent and polite on the phone, who listened to me rant and actually tried to fix things.  Returned the last interest payment (the interest rate had already been fixed) so they returned all they money they took illegitimately plus some.  When I said wasn’t really enough, I got a genuine apology and he offered me a different card with some points that would give me some merch.

Honestly, it still isn’t enough but I’m damn well taking it, I will pay my visa off.  But I am definitely going to investigate other banks credit cards and what they can do for me.  I’m a good customer, and they don’t seem to get that.

I have paid the thing off, but I’m completely unimpressed.

Daddy Issues

Sometime I make jokes about having daddy issues but all the wrong kind.  Well at least the wrong kind to make me be the kind of girl that makes guys swoon over the daddy issue.  Mine don’t push me to be a stripper or hooker or any of the other silly things that other people seem to think that having daddy issues get you.

Having had some time to think about it.. everyone has daddy issues in one way or another.  It’s just  a fact of life.

Mine are of a slightly different flavour, and recently I had an interesting thought or observation on the same topic.  So what’s my deal?  Well I’m sorta daddy free, I grew up without him in my life and I didn’t meet him until I was an adult.  To be honest I don’t think I was missing much, I am not very fond of him and because I didn’t grow up with him I don’t have the tolerance for his garbage.  It’s a lot different when you have history with someone, you’re much more likely to put up with them and their crap or craziness.  But if you just meet them one day and they annoy the hell out of you and have all these expectations on you… well why  would you stick around?

This is not to say I didn’t grow up with strong male figures in my life, I wasn’t actually raised in a single parent home… more like a three or more parent home.  My mom and I lived with my aunt and uncle for more than a year when I was little, my mom’s brother (other uncle) was in and out of the picture  around then too.   Then my mom moved to Smithers with her parents, so for most of my life I grew up with three parents, my mom, grandma and grandpa…  The Aunt and Uncle I lived with came out every year… my other uncle lived with us all on and off for years.

So I basically had two moms and like 2-3 dads.  Or three halfs.. which still adds up to more than one :D.  Score!  Anyway, clearly this all adds up to daddy issues of a sort.  What it really means in the grand scheme of things I have no idea.. but it brought up an interesting question for me.

Have you ever noticed that most people tend to date versions of their parents?  Not in a creepy sense, but just aspects of their relative’s personalities.  Honestly reflect on your dating persp

A Life Better Lived

I was biking the other day, and I got to thinking.  What’s the point?  I mean what does anyone want?  What do we have to show for our lives?

I’ve never been good with goals, they seem too, I don’t know, Meh?  It seems like a lot of work having all these goals and trying to achieve them, especially as I only seem to be doing it for everyone else.  I don’t really care.  Well why not?  My whole life, I’ve always thought it was kinda important to have fun.

So many people want to own a house, have a family, make lots of money so they have something to show for their lives.  But these things are just not motivators for me.  I’d rather do nothing than bust my ass for silly things like that.  I don’t want kids, I don’t really want to have some amazing career (mostly because it sounds life sucking and not fun), I would love to own a house but I’d probably give it to my mom to live in or something.

So while biking I kept coming back to the same thought.  A life better lived.  What is my goal in life?  Meh nuttin’.  What do I want? What do I care about?  Friends, my cat, my family… having fun.  It’s not so much about doing crazy things, just doing things that are fun for me.  Experiencing life, if not to the fullest then at least experiencing it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in doing something mental just for the ‘experience’ but at the same time I currently seem to be in this limbo where ‘tomorrow’ I’m going to start going out and playing with my camera, try that silly toilet restaurant, take the Mao Kong Gondola, go to Egypt (perhaps that will have to wait a min though) and a hundred other things.  Some more ambitious, some less but still this here tomorrow business is just rediculous.

I was thinking about it.   Everyone I know is getting married, having kids, working on their careers… and I’m just chillin’.  If I was totally happy with it, that would be fine, but sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I’m bored.  I feel like there should be more to it.   So I’ve decided that my thing will be a life better lived.  I don’t know that I’ll have any of the things that anyone else is working on, or that I’ll even want it.  But I will have photos, and memories of all the things I’ve done.

So if I’m captain adventure, why don’t I do anything?  Because I’m an even bigger coward.  I’m always scared of change and trying new things.  I go to restaurants and order the same thing, it’s safe and good.  But from not on, I plan to try to live by my new motto, a life better lived.  I will make an effort to break out of my shell and try something new and different when the opportunity arises.  I might even make the opportunities myself.

Like today, I suggested some friends and I go to the modern toilet place but at the last minute I changed my mind.  I just didn’t feel like being social, I wanted to be alone.  So I went for some sushi, and while at sushi, I thought, hey now…. instead of going home and doing nothing why not go check out the gondola? I didn’t know what time it closed, it was cold, dark and rainy, but I figured it didn’t hurt to at least drive over and take a look (it’s very close to my house, and in the years it’s been operational I’ve never been).

So I pootled on over, and lookie here it’s a Friday and they’re open late on Fridays.   So on a whim, I hopped on.   Now to be honest, I should have just gone up to the first station and back down, but silly me I went all the way to the top (it was only 50 nt).  I didn’t realize that it was such a long trip or that it was going to be as terribly cold as it was.  But hey, the city lights were pretty and I’ll definit

The Art of Failure

Being afraid of failure is STUPID . (<— I should write the book)

I freely admit I am a moron.  I’m am terrified of failure, coupled with my shrieking fear of change I’m nigh on crippled half the time.  The other half I just rock and stare at the wall praying it will all go away now, it never does you know.

You wouldn’t think it, (or maybe you would) but I really am.  And that’s with my knowing why it’s stupid to be worried about failure.  But obviously I don’t KNOW it.  I know on some intellectual, theoretically level but it’s not part of who I am, yet!  I mean look at the whole, quit my morning job business.  Scary, but then what did I do with the whole thing?  And then I was deliberating over that whole online course I was taking, now I’m just sorta floating around trying to choose a direction to move in.

Why?  What’s the big hold up?  I’m smart, I know how to do things, I’m extremely good at most thing when I put my mind to it.  Hell I’m good at them when I don’t even put my mind to it.  What is it that’s holding me back from…. taking over the world ( 😀 per-say)?

Fear, mind boggling terror.  Of what?  Failure.  That’s right, I’m a moron.  I’m completely freaked that I’m going to try to do something, loose a bunch of money, make some horrible mistake and look like a fool.  Really what do I care?  No offense but I don’t really care what ‘people’ think, so what the hell is my problem?

Here I am, telling you, how stupid it is to be afraid to fail.  Hypocrite!!

Well, screw it! Hypocrite or not, I’m telling you all (and myself) to stop it.  Stop holding yourself back, reach as far as you can.  So what if you fall on your face, get back up and reach again.  If all you ever do and try is what you’re confidant of, you will never even come close to reaching any kind of potential.  You will be like everyone else, mediocre, average, CRAP!!!

Well, what’s the art then?

Do you have to fail?

That’s pretty much it, isn’t it?  You need to stop being scared, and the only truly effective way I know to stop being

A Friend is a Friend is Family a Friend..

Ok, so sit down and get ready to read.

What is a friend?  How do you define friends?  Are there really different kinds and levels?  Or is it really just black and white?

Personally, I think it’s a little of everything.  I do think there are definite lines but at the same time, for me anyway, there are multiple types and levels of friends.  Then bring family into the mix, things get even more complicated. Who is closer family, friends?  Is blood thicker than water?  You can pick your friends, but not your family… or can you?

I feel confidant that everyone has these thoughts from time to time, but maybe I’m wrong, perhaps it’s just me ;).    Either way I have friends, I have family but the lines get all blurred.  I have friends that are great, I love them, but they aren’t REALLY friends.  Not in the ‘my people’ sense.  On the other hand I have ‘people’ who are obviously friends because you can’t become people with out being friends, yet I never see or talk to them.  But in a pinch….

So who is a friend?  Who isn’t? What makes someone your friend?  A great time over a drink and a chat, regular lunches and confiding, close reliance on each other, there in a crisis, regular conversations, occasional deep and serious conversations, keeping in touch, or just

Are you an Organ Donor?

I often wonder why it’s not automatic, organ donation that is.  If someone comes into an emergency room.. and they can’t be saved their organs should be automatically donated, unless they have specifically stated they don’t want to donate.

Instead, the way it is now, if someone dies and hasn’t previously stated on their medical records or drivers license they want to be an organ donor.. then tough noogies.  So then the decision falls to the grieving family to decide to cut up their family to save strangers.   Most people aren’t that big, they are too selfish and can’t look past their own grief to help someone.  Give them a week or two, and they probably would.. but the organs are only viable for up to 24 hours (72 for kidneys) after death.

[lots of information about donations here]

Plus did you know, just because you have said once upon a time you that you wanted to be an organ donor, it doesn’t mean that you ar

Love Eternal

I believe it.  If you love someone and fall out of love.. then I don’t think you really loved them.   That said I do think it’s entirely possible for you or the other person to change so much that you may love them but the previous version of them.. or something like that.  Love is forever end of story.

I thought I was in love with.. him him him and him and even him… but I wasn’t.  The relationship ended and I saw it for it was, lust, boredom, entrainment, comfort.  I loved what I wanted them to be.  I loved the idea.  But I didn’t love them.  Love can change but it doesn’t just dispear.

I have been in love with two people, and I will love them forever, the intensity or pattern might change.  It may no longer be applicable or relevant in my current life… but they will always hold a part of my soul.  I will always love them.

People who talk about true love, need to be given a good wack to the head.  What other kind is there?  Love is love.  If you went about talking about ‘true rocks’ or true water, or true sun… you’d get locked up in the loony bin.  You may even grow to hate someone you love, you may resent them.. but you will always love them.  And if you don’t if you find yourself genuinely not caring one day.  Then how can you say you ever loved them?

That is what I believe.  Agree or don’t, it makes no difference to me.  I know it’s true in my reality.  And I prefer mine to a reality where love just disappears… that doesn’t make any sense to me, why would you even want it to?

Dreaming of Seth Godin

Do you ever wonder what it is like to be Seth Godin, or anyone else that people listen to?  I read three pro blogs, Seth’s, Tim Ferriss‘, and another dude named Chris… and the last continually reference Seth’s blog.

I mean this guy is spitting out thoughts, pearls, ideas etc.  And yeah they are good and interesting, but a lot of them aren’t all that earth shattering.  Many times myself and many other ‘unimportant people’ have said the same kind of things, sometimes actually the same thing.  But no one noticed or cared, but when Seth says it everyone sits up and takes notice.   When Seth writes something, millions of people take note, read refrence, and share the information.  Look at his blog, hundreds of people like each post on Facebook, they share it on twitter they comment.  Hundreds, nay,  thousands of people check in each day just to see what he has said.

When I write something ‘ones’ of people… nigh on ‘tens’ of people sit up and go hmm interesting.  Not that I mind all that much, but sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be Seth Godin.  To be someone that people listen to and respect just for who you are and what you say.  🙂

The Law of Attraction

What’s the deal with attraction?  What makes it happen or not?  Are there any general rules, secrets or tricks?  Do you know, does anyone?

How about on a smaller scale?  Do you know what fuels your own attractions?  We all have a few obvious ones, turn ons, turn offs but there is more to it than that.  I mean yeah I’m attracted to a physical type right off the bat, around 6 feet tall, rather specific shoulder width but that is not to say that I can’t or don’t branch out side of that.

We’ve all had it happen.  You meet someone you’re attracted to them, there even appears to be a spark but when you pursue what you think is a potential match you discover you read it all wrong.  And it  sucks.  You’re a great friend but I’m just not interested in you or attracted to you, it’s a HUGE blow to the ego.  Makes you contemplate what’s wrong with you, what is that makes you so unappealing.. and so on.  Que self bashing.

The flip side, someone is into you, and for all intensive purposes they are great, but you’re just not interested.  You don’t find them attractive, but you don’t want to lose the friendship… sticky situation.  Perhaps they are just too interested in you, and while it seems like that would be flattering and an ego boosting it really isn’t.  It’s frustrating, and it kinda sucks.

So how the hell does anyone ever get together?  I mean is it cosmic, do the sun moon and stars have to be lined up just right to make it work?

It’s not even as simple as I’ve just summarized right here.  Come on think about it, how many times have experienced this.  Instant attractions a connect, chemistry, of course we’ve all had that at some time or another.  How about you met someone one who was attractive but you just didn’t think about them that way, at least not at first.  Now factor in “I’m attracted to him/her” vs “I’m not attracted to him/her”.

Now throw this into the mix, not being attracted to some one doesn’t mean you find them unattractive.  It could just mean you have no real feelings either way, if you’re living in this zone you can probably be swayed.  But what if you flat out find them unattractive?   People meet and end up with people they ‘never would have thought’ all the time.  Heck, look at Charolate on Sex in the city, she married the short bald dude who she initially thought no way about.

So how about you? Could you date someone you were on the fence about, someone who you weren’t attracted to per-say?   How about someone you found unattractive, no matter how wonderful of a person they are?    I suspect this makes me a terrible person, but for me the answers are sure I’d be willing to give them a chance, followed by a resounding no.  Does it make me a horrible shallow person?  Probably, but there isn’t much I can do about that.  It’s not to say he has to be a super model, I just have to find him attractive, am I really asking too much?

I Hope You’re Afraid, Very Afraid

Hope VS Fear

Which is more damaging?  Well at first glance I suspect most would say the answer is obvious, to the point of wondering why someone would even bother posing the question.  But think about it a little more, yes the obvious answer is that hope brings positive things to your life and fear is solidly negative.  But is it really that simple?

Perhaps I need to make something clear first.   I’m not talking about dire situation, like mid war or holocaust, I’m talking about normal everyday life.  In those kinds of situations, obviously hope is a motivator, when everything is dark it’s a shining light.  But how often is the average person faced with that kind of situation?  In my lifetime?  Never, how about you?  My money is still on never.  So that perspective is irrelevant, now let’s look at a normal life.  Everything is good or fine, or even fantastic.  We have all the essentials, and for most of us nothing to really strive for, or to push us forward.

Think on this for a moment.  Fear is the greatest motivator of all time.  Why do you go to work every day, save money, put away for retirement, try to eat healthily, exercise?  The list goes on, brush your teeth, wear sun screen, not go out late at night alone, etc.  Fear, it all boils down to fear, sure there may be some out there that maintain it’s due to ‘common sense’ or that they just happen to have higher morals, values and whatnot, but I’m calling bullshit on that.  I can say that I do what I do for better reasons, but if I’m being honest most of it is because I’m afraid of something.  I fear losing my teeth, getting really overweight and sick, becoming old and unable to

I ponder, why bother?

Have you ever done everything you could? Or at least felt or that you did? If it all went to crap does it make you feel better or worse?  If you didn’t give it your all there is the self flagellation about how if you had just tried harder, if only you had made more effort perhaps you wouldn’t be such a  failure.  But on the other hand…. if you do give it your all, pour in your heart and soul and you still fail.  Then you’re just a failure, all that business about if you just tried hard enough, applied your self and you could achieve anything is bullshit.

So what are the options?  You fail because you don’t apply yourself?  Or you Fail because you just aren’t good enough?

They both seem pretty bullshit to me.  Then it taints the whole world of success too, what does it mean when you succeed?  Is it because you really went for it?  Or just blind luck?

Some say that if you throw your all in it then you can be consoled in that you tried your best and thus it’s not your fault.  But I think that’s worst, your best wasn’t good enough.. what a bummer.

No wonder all I want to do is lay on the beach 😛

I wonder

have you ever wanted to write?  To blog, but you didn’t really want anyone to read it?  Not like a diary thing, that no one could read with out my being all upset, just .. actually I don’t care who reads it.  But I don’t want comments or questions.  Like you’re welcome to read it… but I don’t care what you think, I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to answer any questions.  But I know if I were to write such a thing, there would be questions, while most would respect my request for silence, curiosity would get the best of some.  Or they would feel they were the exception…

Do you guys ever feel that way?  Just curious.

🙂

So What Is It Then?

I’ve been thinking about it… and this whole being specific about what you want is.. well to put it frankly .. bull shit.

I have thought about it lately.  And recently I had an epiphany.

At the urging of several people I know, authors I respect, just trying to figure things out etc.  and a while back I wrote this post [Dear Universe] trying to detail what it is I want.  The other day I was thinking about it… and I realized everything I wrote was total BS, I mean sure these things may or may not be important to me but is it really, I mean REALLY what I want?

Sure, but to be honest when I wrote it, I was grasping at straws.  I didn’t know what to write so I forced myself to write something.  Everything says you need to be as specific as you can, and I tried to do that, but the reality is specific doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t right.   It was right, it is true.. but is it what  I really want?

I wrote another post about [getting what you want] which honestly when I went back a read it, I thought damn this girl knows what she’s talking about.  (Isn’t that a fricken laugh).  Well remember step one?  Yeah.. making lists about things you kinda maybe want because you need to make the list isn’t really the sa

Sometimes I Ponder…

OK, pretty much all th time I’m ponering something or other.

But recently I’ve been getting more ‘random’ comments on my  blog and I wonder.  Where do they come from, how are these people coming to my blog, what is it that promotes them to leave a comment?

Most things are good or nice (or junk.. you’re not tricking me with your comments about my blog but the link to protien supplements), and some are kinda nasty but hey life goes on.

What’s funny is how easy it is to say I don’t care blahdeblah but then someone says one little thing and it really gets your back up.  Like all the business with that one girl about my cat.

Side note I think I met her at a party and we got on really well she was going on and on about how much she wanted to be friends and so on but then strangely disappeared… when I looked into it I realized her name is the same as the girl from the ‘cat’ incident.  My best guess was when she looked me up online realized who I was and then changed her mind about being friends.   Commence chuckling now.

Anyway, on the last post.. which in case anyone missed it was NOT about fat people or ugly people, someone who I do not know left a comment on my blog.  At first I thought ‘cool a comment from another random person’, then I read it again.  Hold on no smiley faces or anything to indicate a tone, short choppy sentences which usually express anger or irritation, hmmmm several people seemed somewh

Possibly Ugly Topic

You’ve been warned… so don’t crawl up my ass if you don’t like what I’ve written.

So what follows is a perfect example of how and why people can sometimes interpret my actions, words and ideas as cold.  So let me explain.  I’m very sensitive, and if I let it all in then I would be a train wreck all the time.  So as a survival technique I’m forced to use logic to pick and choose.  Anything that I can separate myself from emotionally before the feeling seep in, I do.  I hold them at arm’s length, inspect them and puzzle over them if they are ‘interesting’.

So things happen, planes crash, wars, the twin towers in New York… and I feel nothing.  I choose to feel nothing because it’s feel it all like a big squishy ball of goo or nadda.  Why in god’s name would I sit about personalizing and tearing myself apart emotionally over something that doesn’t directly affect me?  That isn’t really part of my immediate ‘world’.  Doesn’t make any sense to me, so while I’m still able to, I separate myself from any and all emotional tragedy related to the event.

There is war… and I don’t cry.  Millions are killed in a bombing, and I think.. hmm isn’t that sad.  Sad for the people directly affected by this event.  The twin towers came down, a train in Europe is blown up, a bus goes off a cliff, a tsunami, earthquake or typhoon hits and I observe the news with a kind of detached curiosity.  And that curiosity is what gets me in the end…. I can’t just shake my head look sad a pretend to be heartbroken along with everyone else.  I’m not.  I didn’t know them, we weren’t close….  I try to explain and nothing I say seems right.  The look on their faces are of disdain and anger.

How can you be so cold?  This affects us all, people are dying.

You’re all a bunch of hypocrites… people die every day.. I don’t see you sobbing your eyes out over some random homeless man in Siberia kicking the bucket.  What because you didn’t know about it?  Bull shit.  You’re not sad because you didn’t know him, or anyone else who knew him.  You might care if someone showed you pictures and told you his whole life story… and you know why that is?  Because that connects you, makes his life and hardships personal to you.  Voila… now it affects you and your emotions.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much flack I received over my lack of re

Stepping Out of the Zone

Stepping outside of the box, the zone of comfort, is very challenging for a lot of people.  I am most definitely one of them.  It may not seem like it but really I’m a sissy pants, I like my routines, I like hanging out with the people I know, going to the places I’m used to.  I like everything fuzzy and it’s right place :).

Go out stay in, I choose the easy comfy decision.  But when I don’t, something good or at least interesting happens.  For example, last week I had dinner with a friend (totally normal) went home and realized that I was supposed to meet a friend at a pub at 9… sigh it was cold, a little late and I had to work in the morning.  I so very much wanted to bail, and anyone else and I  would have but he was leaving and I hadn’t got to see him yet.  So I sucked it up and went, and had a great time talking to my friend and a couple of other people there.  Met some new people and had some fun and engaging conversation :).

This past weekend, I jumped out of the zone feet first.   And some ridiculous-ness  ensued as any of you who are on my Facebook have seen snippets of in my status updates.  I ended up taking the train out to Zhong Li to have dinner, drinks and bowling with some people.   I hate the train… generally speaking I avoid all forms of public transit, for a multitude of reasons.  But worst of all, I never  (have to) take the train so the whole experience ends up being really stre

Live Like an Immortal

Our time here is limited, but what if it wasn’t?

Chew on that for a second, swirl it around, give it a sniff.  (whatever sense it is that tickles your fancy)

Ready?

Ok, we have a limited amount of time in this world, we’re born, we live we die.  This is non negotiable.  And it’s our biggest downfall.  Many people feel and believe that having a limited amount of time will drive us to do more, to live life to it’s fullest.  Yeah I’m calling bullshit.  Exactly how many people can you think of that even live life a little bit?  Beyond work and trying to pay the bills?  When was the last time you  just dropped everything and learned something new and exciting, damn the costs and consequences?

Probably some time when you were a kid.  Right?  Most people think I live life a little on the wild and free side, well lemmi tell yeah here and now, I don’t.  I’m almost as much of a slave to the man as everyone else, I just work shorter hours pay less tax and have a much lower cost of living.  Thus I can afford to play about a little more.  But I’m a still worried about paying my bills, making ends meet, being a responsible functioning member of society.

What about people who have a near death experience?  They get all kinds of wild and delicious.  Yes, they do for a minute or two, but they usually settle back into the pattern.  Even if they don’t, we all know we have an expiry date, but no one knows when it is.  That air of mystery doesn’t drive us forw

Urban Legends Will Never Die

Modern urban legends, do you buy into them?  Do you perpetuate them?  Do you believe them?

There are so many of them these days… help the girl kidnapped… twitter updates, facebook is raping your privacy, or they are going to start charging you money to use their service…

I shake my head.   Recently a load of people have been mass updating about the searchability of Facebook on Google… it’s not new.. it’s old.. I know because I changed the settings ages ago.  Yes Facebook changed something recently.. and updated every user about it.  If you ignored it then whose fault is that???   Anyway.. a couple of people in Taiwan kinda got into a bit of a ‘conversation’ about it… and I just couldn’t resist.  Here is a the pertinent part of what I wrote.

(she had mentioned people stalking and using facebook to find your personal information .. look up you address etc. ) In Taiwan???  You know there are no white pages here right…. honestly, you’re getting overly excited.. all the searchability on FB isn’t new… you’re just discovering it… I have known about it for ages… stalkers are much more low tech they just chill outside your house and learn what they want.

You need to understand ALL of this information is rea

Do You Trust Me?

What is trust?  Well according to Dictionary.com

verb

13.	to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in or to): to trust in another’s honesty; trusting to luck.

14.	to have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts.

16.	to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on.

17.	to believe.

18.	to expect confidently; hope (usually fol. by a clause or infinitive as object): trusting the job would soon be finished; trusting to find oil on the land.

19.	to commit or consign with trust or confidence.

20.	to permit to remain or go somewhere or to do something without fear of consequences: He does not trust his children out of his sight.

21.	to invest with a trust; entrust with something.

Ok, well that’s a dictionary definition, but what does it mean to you?  How important is trust to you?

How do decide if someone is worthy of your trust?  Are you the kind of person who just gives it out like candy, or do people need to earn your trust?  If someone has broken your trust, can they e

Online/Offline & Socially Accepted Behaviours

So I have concluded that the preconceptions, protocol and rules for behavior online where written about ten-15 years ago when most of us got online.  Really it probably mostly started for you the day you downloaded msn.  (unless you started out with ICQ like us cool kids 😉 if you’re cooler and started earlier… shutty)

Back then most, if not all, folks where on dial up.  You couldn’t just hang out online, because it tied up your phone.  Even if you got a second phone line, which most of us did as we got more into the internet, you still paid for how long you were online and the information transferred.  It wasn’t a flat fee, and even if you had a flat fee it was just slow… hella slow.  Computers were slow the internet is slow.

But it was all we knew.  So sitting in front of a box for 6 hours TRYING to do stuff online compared to the fact we could get it all done in 20 mins now, was a bit of a waste of time.  Even in uni where most of us were plugged into internet so fast that it puts most of your ADSL to shame and online 24-7, we still didn’t hang out around the computer for long periods of time.

So ‘back in the day’ when we all got online but didn’t really hang out there, online meant something different.  You were there with intent.  You turned the computer on, went online and were looking for and expecting others to pl

Inspiration

I haven’t been writing much on here lately.  Mostly because when I have time to write, I don’t seem to have anything I want to write about.  And then I have a couple of ‘bitchin’ ideas that I want to write down mull over and share. But oh lookie no time.  And we all know me, if I don’t do it now or close to know I’ll either get bored or forget completely.

I would list out the 3 or four posts I INTENDED to write, but honestly for the life of me I can’t really remember what they were about or how I intended to write them (I usually have some kind of angle that I want to throw stuff out at that I think is interesting or cool).

Sigh, I guess the trick is popping in here and writing a sentence or two as a reminder so when I have time I don’t stare at the blank page and wonder what the hell it was I was going to write last night.  Ooops, I’d say lesson learn but it’s more lesson reminded.  I knew all of this before, and actually did it.  I don’ really know when I stopped doing it.  silly rabbit!

Oh well I have an idea and I’m going to write it down… (I know two two whole Ideas.. my cup overfloweth 😉 )