Daddy Issues

3 09 2011

Sometime I make jokes about having daddy issues but all the wrong kind.  Well at least the wrong kind to make me be the kind of girl that makes guys swoon over the daddy issue.  Mine don’t push me to be a stripper or hooker or any of the other silly things that other people seem to think that having daddy issues get you.

Having had some time to think about it.. everyone has daddy issues in one way or another.  It’s just  a fact of life.

Mine are of a slightly different flavour, and recently I had an interesting thought or observation on the same topic.  So what’s my deal?  Well I’m sorta daddy free, I grew up without him in my life and I didn’t meet him until I was an adult.  To be honest I don’t think I was missing much, I am not very fond of him and because I didn’t grow up with him I don’t have the tolerance for his garbage.  It’s a lot different when you have history with someone, you’re much more likely to put up with them and their crap or craziness.  But if you just meet them one day and they annoy the hell out of you and have all these expectations on you… well why  would you stick around?

This is not to say I didn’t grow up with strong male figures in my life, I wasn’t actually raised in a single parent home… more like a three or more parent home.  My mom and I lived with my aunt and uncle for more than a year when I was little, my mom’s brother (other uncle) was in and out of the picture  around then too.   Then my mom moved to Smithers with her parents, so for most of my life I grew up with three parents, my mom, grandma and grandpa…  The Aunt and Uncle I lived with came out every year… my other uncle lived with us all on and off for years.

So I basically had two moms and like 2-3 dads.  Or three halfs.. which still adds up to more than one :D.  Score!  Anyway, clearly this all adds up to daddy issues of a sort.  What it really means in the grand scheme of things I have no idea.. but it brought up an interesting question for me.

Have you ever noticed that most people tend to date versions of their parents?  Not in a creepy sense, but just aspects of their relative’s personalities.  Honestly reflect on your dating perspective… think on your type.. are there certain personality traits that you are attracted to over and over again?

Most of my friends have commented that even though the people they date are different in many ways, on some level they seem to be dating the same person over and over again.  That when you dig a little deeper, that they often have some common thread.  Or if you step back.. you can see a pattern.

Interesting… while a friend and I were chatting about it all..  She was telling me the main traits.. the ones that all these guys have had that she finds attractive.

They ultimately, she meets guys who she should be interested in (they seem to meet all the criteria) but they are missing one of the primary elements, she’d even thought about it enough to narrow it down.  She’d even identified them, and while she was describing them to me… it dawned on me.  Hey dude… doesn’t that sound like anyone you know… ?

I swear, it’s her frickin’ dad… I mean not really but when she busted it down to the bare bones of every guy she’s ever dated..  I swear to you.. all the same guy.  Now it’s not like I’m the first person to make that observation… I mean 3 seconds on google turned up this… [ See even CNN says it] not a bad read actually.

Honestly it kinda makes sense, I mean our type or the traits that we are randomly attracted to aren’t things we actively think about or seek out… so where do they come from?  It would totally make sense that we would unconciously mimic or seek out the relationships that we saw as children.

This also would  explain something about me, why I don’t seem to have a type.. how I seem to bounce around completely alternate types of relationships, traits and men.  People are always asking me what I’m looking for in a guy and I can’t for the life of me pin it down myself. I’m also very malleable, in the kind of guy I can date.  I mean look at my ex’s  the big ones.. Petr, Mike, Eric, Casey…. all completely different, not a damn thing in common.  They’re so different that trying to find anything to compare and contrast about them, feels almost insulting like mention that one of them was more educated makes the others sound stupid or the fitness level or one or two make the others fat or unhealthy… bizarre.  But really they are nothing a like, the only common thread they have (and Mike is even kinda exempt from this) is they in the end (in my eyes at least) were shitty to me.  Or at least the common thread is it didn’t work out… but that’s hardly a personality pattern… anyone who knows even just two of them can attest that they are completely alternate people.

It’s almost as though I keep trying on completely different styles looking for one that suits me.. and every time I seem to alter or meld into it.. and it’s PERFECT.  Sigh but allas it isn’t.

So I wonder.. I do have a type that I find attractive, but my boyfriends haven’t even all fallen into that category….  I’ve dated outside of the type…   I even shirk away from traits that are too much like the ‘last guy’…

Is it another ‘daddy issue’ if you will?  Do I not have that solid type, because I don’t have a dad?  Because I grew up with several stable male influences in my life, but none so steady or interacted with my mother that I just didn’t pick one up?  Curious…. I’d love to read or see a study on this topic.  Do kids from single parent homes, who didn’t have the other parent have a type?  Or do they just meander around and tend to more meld to different types looking for an interesting match?

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5 responses

3 09 2011
bex

Interesting… I do believe some of the ideas behind that but I have to also say that when I was working with Jade (life coach) we talked a lot about limiting beliefs, things that when we are young or mature, are told all the time until we believe them ourselves. For example, growing up if we were told that we were bad at spelling or no good in sports it would become something we truly believe and therefore never attempt to see if it was true later on in life, we would just continue to tell ourself and others that limiting belief. I had a couple of things myself, my family wasn’t really athletic so I was told by parents and teachers I counldn’t run. So I didn’t until I was 27, I told Jade at the start of our training ” I don’t run” she challanged me to do so, and questioned why I felt I couldn’t turns out I had just believed it to be true.

I know I’m digressing here, what I mean is just because you didn’t grow up with the “typical” father figure doesn’t mean you do not know what you like in men, I think the idea that people date men like there father figures could just be a limiting belief, because that’s what has always been said. People may turn away men who they find interesting and attractive because they are not like there fathers and feel that it is not the right fit because everyone has told them We (women) always select men similar to our fathers. I feel you have the upper hand here Mag, you get to choose who you like for you.

On a note, I selected and was selected by Phil because I gave up a bunch of my limiting beliefs and found him attractive for his intellect and because he challanged mine. Not to say I have not had OMG I’m dating my father moments cause I have had one or two. I’m saying.

Bex

6 09 2011
Magdalicious

Lol but I don’t really know what I like, if you ask me what traits I’m looking fro I usually just quote random things I’ve heard others say or things about an ex… and then end up dating someone completely different :D.

LOL yay upper hand! Except we’ve all heard the things about being spoiled for choice… I’m terrible at decisions.. but this one seems to have been made for me with out my knowing.. le sigh 😛

6 09 2011
jewelyaz

I definitely married my dad first (Dan – FAIL) and now I’ve married my mom (John, and it’s a struggle). I am a “make my bed and then lie in it” kind of person so I’m not going anywhere, but should I ever become single again, I am definitely just in it for the sex. I love my friends, and I love having great sex, and I am not so successful at the relationship thing, and I am a bit crazy anyway. LOL

6 09 2011
Magdalicious

Interesting!
crazy perhaps, awesome .. definitely 🙂 I was annoyed at the restriction for a while.. but as it wasn’t actually placed or enforced… I got over it :P.
I don’t know that I’ve dated anyone with my mom’s personality.. I’d probably kill them (I love her but I can’t live with her :D)

14 09 2011
E-man

I have to agree with Bex up there about “limiting beliefs”. A lot of this Oedipus Electra Freudian shit is just folk-psychology, and it’s blown out of proportion. My mother definitely is a folk-psychologist with plenty of unfounded belief systems on what makes people (and me) tick. Is it a form of rebellion on my part that I stay the hell away from women who remind me even remotely of my mother? One time, one Chinese girl revealed that she had the same English name as my mom, and another girl had the same birthday. Even superficial stuff like this is dump-material in my book. I think I’m heterosexual in the extreme – I enjoy meeting people of the opposite sex, opposite star-sign, opposite gene pool, opposite world-view.
This whole Oedipus/Electra thing is the popular folk-psychology of the day and, yes, it’s become a “limiting belief” created by folk-psychologists who sit around and “figure out” what makes other people “tick”.
It’s entertaining to think about, but it’s also such a simplistic way of understanding people’s psyches that it’s patronizing. Maybe the hubby/daddy thing is comfort in familiarity like the article says, mixed with the self-fulfilled prophecy like Bex mentioned. But is it really thaaaat simple? Nah… Freud is going out of style. Hopefully, folk-psychologists will start talking about something new soon. Personally, I like Steven Pinker’s take on what makes people choose partners, make babies, get married, divorce, sleep around, etc: “evolutionary psychology”, and also, it’s always refreshing to hear a voice like Dan Savage. If you can catch his show “Savage Love”, do give it a listen!

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