The Art of Failure

Being afraid of failure is STUPID . (<— I should write the book)

I freely admit I am a moron.  I’m am terrified of failure, coupled with my shrieking fear of change I’m nigh on crippled half the time.  The other half I just rock and stare at the wall praying it will all go away now, it never does you know.

You wouldn’t think it, (or maybe you would) but I really am.  And that’s with my knowing why it’s stupid to be worried about failure.  But obviously I don’t KNOW it.  I know on some intellectual, theoretically level but it’s not part of who I am, yet!  I mean look at the whole, quit my morning job business.  Scary, but then what did I do with the whole thing?  And then I was deliberating over that whole online course I was taking, now I’m just sorta floating around trying to choose a direction to move in.

Why?  What’s the big hold up?  I’m smart, I know how to do things, I’m extremely good at most thing when I put my mind to it.  Hell I’m good at them when I don’t even put my mind to it.  What is it that’s holding me back from…. taking over the world ( 😀 per-say)?

Fear, mind boggling terror.  Of what?  Failure.  That’s right, I’m a moron.  I’m completely freaked that I’m going to try to do something, loose a bunch of money, make some horrible mistake and look like a fool.  Really what do I care?  No offense but I don’t really care what ‘people’ think, so what the hell is my problem?

Here I am, telling you, how stupid it is to be afraid to fail.  Hypocrite!!

Well, screw it! Hypocrite or not, I’m telling you all (and myself) to stop it.  Stop holding yourself back, reach as far as you can.  So what if you fall on your face, get back up and reach again.  If all you ever do and try is what you’re confidant of, you will never even come close to reaching any kind of potential.  You will be like everyone else, mediocre, average, CRAP!!!

Well, what’s the art then?

Do you have to fail?

That’s pretty much it, isn’t it?  You need to stop being scared, and the only truly effective way I know to stop being

Chinese Proficiency.. sigh

Well that’s frustrating, I found out the TOP pilot test would be the same day as the party I was having (ie today).  And I was all excited, I could write the test in the morning run after and then party in the afternoon.

I got up all early, had a breakfast like a good girl and went to the test.  Sat down and started, and lemmi tell you the listening portion of the test was ridiculously boring.  It was so easy, the only thing I was a little stumped on was the word for tennis ball, 😀 as I don’t happen to know that word.  BUT then the test buggered up (we were testing on computers) and jumped to the end of the test.  So we all missed more than half of the listening portion of the test.

They told us to just continue with the test and that they would sort it out later.  So I started on the reading portion, which was HARD in part because I’m a bit crap at reading and also it was more difficult reading the characters on the computer screen.   Somewhat itsy font and generally reading on a computer is more difficult than on paper.

So when we finished the test, they told us that to complete the part of the test that was messed up.  But I can’t I’m having guests, then I found out that actually I had to write both the morning and the afternoon tests in order to get the score anyway.

DAMNIT so it turns out I apparently just can’t read in English, and missed the part that you had to do two tests.  The upside is if you do both tests then you can do the real test for free (instead of a 30$ charge)  and get an official certificate.  The down side is I can’t do the second test and the next set won’t be until March.

All of this wouldn’t really have mattered as I didn’t realize I could do the real test for free from writing the two tests in the first place.  All I wanted to know was would I pass the test if I wrote it or not, but I don’t even get to know that because the computer system screwed up.  The worst part is I’m pretty sure I would have passed the test (even with my shitty reading score).

Oh well, I guess I’ll go for a run and cry into my Wheaties later.  I guess I have a better idea of  what I need to study.. the contrast of how easy the listening was for me and how hard the reading was really shows I need to get my reading up.

Little Stories: Things that made me Smile.

On Sunday, aside from the running out of gas fiasco (which by the way was so ridiculous because I was ‘saving the day’ and then ran out of gas… fail).

But what got me giggling and kept me going for hours, was turning around to see one of my friends bum.  Amazing lol, his shorts were torn from belt line almost to the end of the leg seam.

Too bad he wasn’t wearing more fantastic underpants, like tighty whities, or something in a nice shade of fuchsia.  When I asked him why he was wearing them, it turns out that he has two pairs of the same short, and these were the ones he was throwing out.  But when leaving the house he thought they were the good ones tossed them on and ran out the door.  Not realizing his ass was to the wind until he got to the gaming place.  😀  FANTASTIC  totally made my day .. tee hee.

And today on may way home from work, I was waiting at the light, pondering baking and snacks for my party when I noticed the dude directing traffic was mighty into it.  And when I say into it, I mean he was bouncing around like a happy puppy enthusiastically directing, stopping, and other such trafficy things.

He wasn’t nearly as exciting and fun as this guy, but he was clearly really taking it seriously and was rather enthusiastic.  IT amused me to no end, must have been his first day or something 😛

I ponder, why bother?

Have you ever done everything you could? Or at least felt or that you did? If it all went to crap does it make you feel better or worse?  If you didn’t give it your all there is the self flagellation about how if you had just tried harder, if only you had made more effort perhaps you wouldn’t be such a  failure.  But on the other hand…. if you do give it your all, pour in your heart and soul and you still fail.  Then you’re just a failure, all that business about if you just tried hard enough, applied your self and you could achieve anything is bullshit.

So what are the options?  You fail because you don’t apply yourself?  Or you Fail because you just aren’t good enough?

They both seem pretty bullshit to me.  Then it taints the whole world of success too, what does it mean when you succeed?  Is it because you really went for it?  Or just blind luck?

Some say that if you throw your all in it then you can be consoled in that you tried your best and thus it’s not your fault.  But I think that’s worst, your best wasn’t good enough.. what a bummer.

No wonder all I want to do is lay on the beach 😛

Have the Google Gods Deamed me Worthy?

Dude.. wtf is going on… Ok I am generally a skitch confused by the fact that my blog gets anywhere from 20-50 hits on a normal day.  But to add mystery to the pot recently, I’ve been getting MAD traffic on my blog…

I’ve decided I really need to sign up for Google insight to see where these hits are coming from, because as I was discussing with Casey the other day, the blog stats that WordPress provides are interesting but not particularly insightful. They tell you all kinds of fun things like how many hits on the blog, how many clicks on each post, what links people follow to arrive at your blog, what search terms they used to get there.. but the numbers just don’t add up.  And they don’t tell us where the hits are coming from, being rather international what countries these hits are coming from would be of great interest to me.

Recently, I’ve been getting MAD hits on my blog.  Acording to the information they provide me with .. these hits are coming from Google or Google type searches for the word ‘fail, or epic fail’.  Which is funny because they are all going to an old blog post that was just about me being suuuper lazy one day and failing in the doing anything department.  Now don’t get me wrong the whole Epic failure thing is amusing, hence I pull picture off the net for it.. but I can’t begin to

Bad Mood = Epic Fail

So this past week I have all kinds of new things to do and think about….. and do you know all the things I accomplished?  It was pure shocking and amazing!  I managed to accomplish nothing… as a matter of fact I think I actually managed to anti-accomplish things.   I wrote most of a big blog post about this cool project I’m working on .. a work out thing I’m doing with my friends.  Which I promise to actually fill you in on later… scouts honor (wow that’s fun not being a scout and all tee hee)

So this weekend, one friend was out of town, and I had loads of free time and what do you think I did?  If you guessed absolutely nothing… even less than nothing like pig out on crap and not do a freaking lick of exercise.. not a sit up, no run, bike, swim, walk, not even a push up.   This equals epic fail.. especially if you consider what I’m doing with my friends on this blog… seriously.. I’ll leave the true impact of the disaster of my weekend as a