No Subject, here, there, everywhere

Hmmm I’m not even sure where to begin, usually I have an idea, a thread, a title.. it’s all pretty much mapped out in my mind.  But not this one.  I guess I’m just going to have to write it and see where it goes, see what comes out and what title will do.

That’s not to say that I don’t have any idea what to write, or even on other subjects tasty little tidbits that have been mapped out.  But that’s not what I want to write.. obviously.  So her I sit sipping on my drink.. wait someone is chatting with me.

Ok Back.

Speaking of random…ok you don’t know this but I do.. it’s funny how connections are made.  So one of my old friends from PG just started chatting with me, she is the daughter of my old boxing coach.  Actually I had just messaged her a week or so ago to ask if she remembered Mike’s last name.

Now why would I want to know that, well most because I’m curious and a few blasts from the past have contacted me and it’s been good for a giggle.  Plus it’s Mike, (for those of you in the know… yes that Mike, for those of you not.. tough 😀 ask me later) and I have always thought and wondered about him.  Last I heard he was married had a kid and was living in Calgary.  So why now?  No real reason, every couple of years I think about trying to contact him and don’t for a number of reasons.  One of which being I couldn’t for the life of me remember his last name, others.. well mixed feelings on the subject.  I’ve always said that I thought of Mike so fondly because of how it ended, or didn’t for that matter.  Just such a silly situation that we never talked about.  I still sort of wonder what the story was, I got some of it from (the friend who was just chatting with me) a couple of years later while we were trashed at some bar in PG.

It’s years later, it doesn’t really matter but I’m still curious and if nothing else I’d just like to say hi.  He probably doesn’t even really remember me, but I remember him.  I think he was the first guy I ever had real genuine feelings for.  (Sorry Petr but I was just in love with the idea of you, I actually think I hated you a little) And he was followed by Erik, we all know what a disaster that was in the end, although I’m really glad we can be friendly now :).  I always knew he was a good guy… just a bad situation.

God I’m all over the place here… oh well that’s where my head is at.

Anyway, My friend actually wrote me back with his last name and as much of an update that she had.  I guess she heard from him a year ago he’s still living somewhere in Alberta, had a couple of kids, and is no longer married.   Ok now let’s pretend that had no affect at all.  Riiiight.  Do I want to rehook up with some guy from 10 years ago .. no don’t be silly.  But to be honest part of the reason I never tried very hard to say hi was because he was married, especially with the Casey Fiasco.. I really didn’t even want to potentially have anything to do with anything of the sort.  Suddenly I was totally obsessed with finding out about him.  GRR he’s on my friend’s Face book, I know his name.. but I couldn’t locate him.  Man people who are NOT really online are ridiculously hard to find information on.   And he’s always been a little off the grid, even back in the days when there wasn’t much in the way of a grid.

Jump…

So Casey has been off and on thinking about moving back to Taipei… and for the hopeless romantics out there… lol forget it.. it wasn’t for me.  It’s never for me… and that has always been part of the problem.  But that’s another story.  I have been opposed to him coming back from the start, for a multitude of reasons.  For starters he was going to go back with his wife… dude.. seriously?  You guys broke up for a reason and as much as it hurt at the time I realized.. it was never about me.  Besides.. all the things he’s done to assert his independence and be his own man.. would essentially be undone by going back to his wife, who just takes care of everything (not a bad little set up for a lazy youth but sucky if you want to be an adult).  So I opposed, I argued, I tried to disuade, but to no avaid he wanted to come back.  And I can hardly blame him, it is the good life over here., good jobs, high pay, low taxes, nice cheap healthcare, low cost of living, plenty of travel opportunities.. the list goes on.  We live easy going, fun mostly stress free lives.  It’s what most people claim to want.  So could I blame him for wanting to come back?  No, I just didn’t want him coming back under someone else’s steam, control, thumb.. not even my own (as much as I like to be in charge.. no thanks).

So finally I started to accept that he was coming back, I even told him I had a rule, he wasn’t allowed over at my house and we could only hang out together in public or with other people.  I want nothing to do with him as anything other than a friend and set some rules in place to make sure it stayed that way.   Just when I get used to the idea that he’s coming here.. just when I start to look forward to it.. BOOM.  So why would I be looking forward to it?  If I don’t want us to go back down that path, if I don’t want him to go back to his marriage because I know it’s not good for him then why the heck would I look forward to him coming back to Taiwan.  Well he is one of my best friends.  And I don’t have many friends here anymore, I have some friends but no one really close.  Tracey has gone home, as has Melissa.. and I’m fine.  Honestly, I’m really ok.   I was actually more bummed out about people leaving before they left, than I am now.  I read, I play with kittens.. life goes on.  But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t jump at the chance to have one of my dearest friends here to play with.  Sigh.. but just as I was attached to the idea of having one of my best friends here to hang out with and play games etc… he tells me.. “I”m staying in Milwaukee”.  😦

If I thought I was conflicted before when he WAS coming.. awesome.. now I’m conflicted because I don’t think he should come back under these circumstances, but I’m totally bummed out.   Plus one of  my few friends here appears to be upset with me, because of something that they feel they saw.  That I totally don’t understand, SIGH.  Long story, I think things are fine.. but they seem to be avoiding me now.

Anyway.. I’ve had a couple of drinks.. and now I’m tired.  I keep loosing my train of thought.. and this kitty on my lap is really warm… makes me wanna go to bed and sleep.  I’m just going to post this ..

bleh night all