Really Frustrated

It’s a long story, but basically I went to France.  And I missed my gaming friends, I came back and no one seemed to come out.  Totally bummed me out, especially because a lot of them were playing DND instead of coming to play games.  I have no interest in DND and obviously the whole I missed my friends and then they were not coming to play because they were playing DND was kinda depressing.  Then salt in the wound, when they would come hang out, they would always talk about DND.  K fine what ever.

But then on the board game group they started completely hijacking other people’s threads.  So someone would post something about board games (the name and purpose of the group) and then someone into the DND or models would completely take over and hijack the threads.  It was annoying, but instead of being a bitch about it and yelling at them, I thought hey… since they have so much to say and I know that the people who are not interested in DND aren’t interested in it.  It would be cool if there was a second group, then everyone could have as much discussion as they wanted without stepping on anyone else’s toes.

Then I thought, Gee I better not tell them or suggest to them to make a separate group for dnd and model discussions, because someone will get all offended and it’ll be a big fight.  So I created a group, invited all the people who I knew who were interested in that stuff to it, made an admin (then made another because the first one left the group) and then I left it.

Jesus… you’d think I crucified kittens.

I created a group.. I created one… yet some people got all in a huff about how I was kicking them out of the gaming group.  0.0 If I had kicked you out, how are you still posting in it.. oh because no one kicked you out of anything?  But hey, people were offended, my bad. Sorry I didn’t mean it as a fuck off, I just thought it made sense.  and I was really surprised and taken aback, I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or upset anyone.  I mean I’m not one to mince my words, if I wanted to tell people to fuck off… I would.

So the week after, one of the guys (the one who is really upset about the whole thing) told me he was upset.  I was kinda surprised, but I said I was sorry and explained that I didn’t mean it as an insult.  He spent the rest of the day with me, even had dinner with me.  All the time still all pissy with me, completely unbeknownst to me.

Then the passive aggressive digs started.  Ok ha ha.  Then it got kinda mean.  And I was like … what the fuck?  And it come to my attention that He thinks I’m being a total bitch and refusing to apologize. Um?  I did apologize, clearly you didn’t accept it… but that doesn’t mean I didn’t apologize.  But he’s got a bee in his bonnet.  Turns out, whenever my name comes up he’s taking the opportunity to bash me and go on about what a shit I’m being.

First off, when have I ever… ever done anything intentionally to hurt anyone else?  I’m a nice person and I try to be nice to people.  Even people I actively dislike.  So why would I go out of my way to do some massive passive aggressive fuck off to a large group of my friends?   Why would I sit around and plot shitty things to do to them? Hell I’m the first to admit that I do things without thinking them through, and sure I hurt people’s feelings.  But it’s never intentional, and I always feel really bad.  I felt horrible when he said he was really upset and offended by my creating the group.  When I said I was sorry and that I never intended to upset anyone, I was being really genuine.

Hence I was so hurt by the malice and bs that followed.  And to make matters worse, not a single person went, hey hold on… That Magda girl is a pretty nice kid.  She’s probably didn’t mean it this way… no instead it was silence or joining in.  Seriously?  These are my friends?

Then another friend, who genuinely meant well and was trying to help called.  And the next day his suggestion was that “After sleeping on the matter, I’m suggesting the following course of action. 1) Remove yourself as an Admin of the group. 2) Send private messages to “them”etc. letting them know you did this, and apologize to them for the way in which you handled the situation. Let them know you understand what you did was wrong, and you’re sorry and leave it at that. Don’t explain anything, just admit your fault and move on. 3)Then give them some time to get over it.”

I know what I did was wrong?  So even though I’m the one constantly asking new people to join, following up with new people, organizing events etc.  And I’m the one who goes every weekend as long as I’m in town.  I should not be an admin because one person is upset that I created a group.

I mean come on, if anyone is being run out of the group, it was me.  I didn’t really care about the being an Admin thing.  It’s the complete lack of faith in me, and complete disregard to my feelings.  If I had done something genuinely abusive to the group, like removing posts without reason.  removing members  blocking people etc.  Sure obviously, I’ve done something wrong.  But at worst I made a political misstep, and was insensitive.  But did something horrible, wrong or with any kind of malice?  Certainly not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally aware that I over reacted and I was more hurt than really made sense.  But like I said at the beginning, I missed my friends.  And I get back and everyone is absent.  And then there is this silly kerfuffle, and I’m sad.  But WAIT there’s more!  So when I’m bummed out, and feeling down crying my eyes out about the whole thing.  I feel like I get kicked when I’m down. No one gives me a call and says, hey I’m upset with what you did.. or hey I’m sure you didn’t mean it they way it’s being taken.  (well one person did, but now he’s irritated with me because I left the group).

And it doesn’t end, I can’t win.  I feel like shit because the people who were my main social life here, either want nothing to do with me, or actually think I’m such a piece of crap that I would intentionally do shitty things. Or that I’m ‘playing the victim’.  So even though for the past .. oh 4-5 years I’ve been trying to organize people to get together to play games on Sundays.  I can’t go, because I’m just going to either end up fighting with someone, or I’m going to feel like shit and end up crying.

So I quit, because I was tired of feeling sad all the time.  I am trying to move on and put it behind me.  But my living room has a big shelf of games, that I’m thinking about getting rid of because why keep them?  Plus it just keeps coming up (hence I’m writing this post, trying to vent with out subjecting anyone to it all), my friend and co worker, he keeps feeling really bad, because on my birthday everyone blew me off (except Rob, Tarra, Angela, and Tanya) including him, and he keeps calling me asking about events or things with our group of friends.  And he ends up feeling like shit, because I am usually in the middle of organizing things, so asking me makes sense.  Except no one is talking to me, so I’m not invited to anything.. and then he feels bad because he just told me about another thing that I was not invited to.  Drawing it to my attention, which obviously makes me sad.   But then I feel bad for him too.

And my roommate, he goes every Sunday.  And he tries to not tell me about it, but that is one of the main things we used to gab about is games.  Plus it turns out, my name comes up, and then there is a complain fest about me, and he tries to stay out of it but he gets dragged into the middle of it all the time.  Sure I talked and cried to him about it at the beginning, because he’s my friend and I didn’t have many people to talk to that would understand.  But when he mentioned he didn’t want to hear about it, I mostly stopped.  It comes up now and again, but it’s usually because he mentions something.

So now it seems I suck because I left, and also no one believes me because the other guy insists I didn’t apologize   And as my roommate says I’m not there to give my side, and the other guy is quite persuasive.    So I do something, I’m the devil, I do nothing, I’m terrible, I leave because I’m hurt and I don’t want to spend my time crying anymore.  And I’m a jerk.  Awesome.

Know what I would have done if it was anyone ANY one of them?  I would call them up and ask their side, I would take into consideration their personality and the fact that I’m friends with them for a reason.  I’d ask if they were ok, I’d be bummed that they were so upset that they felt like they couldn’t come in.

The worst, WORST part?  I want to say, I’m better off, I don’t need friends like this.  But they’re all I have here, and while some of them can be dicks from time to time, I like most of them. So I miss them.  And they all sit around and bitch about me. great.  I feel like such a chump.

Ps Happy birthday to me.