Dear Canada, Bite Me!

Dear Canada,

I know you have been saddened by my absence and that many things have changed while I have been away.  And while I’m sure there are many lovely things I have not had a chance to note or appreciate yet, I have a few complaints.

You realize the size of the cars your residents drive is retarded, right?  Especially as 90% of the time people are pootling about alone or with one person.  Why, then have you not made some nice cheap little 2 seaters that are fuel efficient?  I’m not even going to pretend this has anything to do with the environment (although I suppose it should), it’s just ridiculous!  Everything is so far away you usual must have some form of transport and it’s killa cold in the winter, I can think of 20 solutions off the top of my head.. come come now.  This isn’t the end of the world but it’s more than a little silly.

Let’s discuss the circle of fun that you put me through, shall we?  Let’s see my wallet was stolen/lost about 1 1/2 years ago in Taiwan, now obviously replacing my Canadian Cards wasn’t happening until I made it here.  Now stupid me, did I realize that I should bring my birth certificate  home with me? No, my fault I’m aware, but when the hell did the nation fall into a state of FREAKING panic.  Everyone was like.. but how do I know you are you?  Do you see this Passport????? Issued by our government???? Accepted BY EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AS DEFINITIVE ID??? DO YOU SEE IT!!!! As I smack you in the god damnity damn head with it?

Costco: can you replace my member card?  Do you have your Drivers license?  Die.

So, clearly all problems are solved with this magical drivers licence, yes?

I went to replace my card, and I have to pay a fee, ok, and oh wait.. can you prove who you are? What do you mean my passport isn’t primary ID???? REALLY?  Ok so my ONLY choice in this awesome situation is to