Decisions decisions… and a little bummed out.

Bah, life!  Full of decisions, the hotness for some, personal hell for others. OH OH PICK ME!!   I loathe making a choice, boo what if I pick the wrong one?  What if, even worse, they are equal?  Everyone else seems to have no difficulty with these things meanwhile I agonize over what I want for lunch for Christ’s sake.  Boo

So what is the current crisis?  I guess crisis is a little strong, dilemma I suppose.  What should  I do next?  I love Taipei, I’ve left a few times I’ve even lived elsewhere and I can honestly say I love it there, the climate is lovely and toasty with mild winters, fun easy work, good pay low cost of living.  Sounds great hu?  So what’s the problem!

Well, I’m not Asian, and sometimes that rocks (like when it comes to rules we just get to ignore because we’re not local) and sometimes it sucks asshole, big hairy asshole.  I hate that I have no rights even though I’ve lived there for  nigh on 8 years, really??  Ridiculous.  They have stupid laws that actually discriminate against us, like this new tax law, we have to pay 3x the tax in the first 6 months of every year, no matter how long you’ve been a resident, you think I’m kidding, I’m so not.  Owning property and businesses is silly complicated for us, plus I live in a nation of tiny, or supposed to be tiny people.  So I am constantly inundated with comments like, you would be pretty if you weren’t so fat, and wow you run marathons and work out, so cool.. but how come you’re so fat?  You look terrible today, did you gain weight… the list goes on.  What it boils down to is no matter how much confidence I have, people still look at me like some HUGE beast.  Even the other foreigners get swept up in it, saying things like well if I ran that much I would be thinner than that.  Fuck off.  Yeah, I’m a little chubby (especially right now.. lazy girl on Vaca!) but Jesus, you all make me feel and it sound like I’m pushing 375.  I think my personal favorite is, it’s not your fault foreign people are just fat.  Even if no one says anything, you can see it in their eyes.  Know what I never see?  Admiration, attraction, appreciation in anyway trust me I’ve been looking.

Whine whine whine, I hate this whole line of discussion because no matter how you go about it, you come off as a

How do you deal?

There are several different thoughts on how people should deal with different ‘negative’ feeling. Some people feel that the right course of action is to suppress everything and put on a happy face for the masses. Others like to wear their hearts on their sleeves.

What’s the right way to do it? Should you just put on a brave face and push on through… hiding and denying what you feel? What happens when the damn bursts?

Or should you just let it all out?

They all make sense in different ways.

I still don’t know what’s the best way… but I suspect just embracing what ever it is you’re feeling is better for you.

A while back, something happened that really broke my heart. I was devastated. Now what I usually do is put on a brave face, have a few little breakdowns. For the most part I even lie to myself. I insist to my self that I’m fine… but there is a deep well of sadness in me. That particular time, I didn’t pretend I just WALLOWEd… I gave a time limit I had 4 days to fully embrace