Protected: Dirty little secrets (ask for the password)

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

You’d think I’d better at this blogging thingie

Part of my problem is I put things off…  First I was a grumpy gus and I didn’t have anything interesting to say.. then it was that I was having too much fun and didn’t really have all that much down time to write about all the fun I was having… Damned if you do and damned if you don’t, When I finally got everything all balanced out… then it was too daunting of a task.  It’s like when your room has gone to the 7th layer of hell, and you have no idea where to begin.  Sigh (I know I’m so hard done by :P)

Anyway, here I am in the Manila airport, which still sucks… but vaguely less given that they now seem to have internet (spotty tho it may be).   So Canada… general impressions.

Well, they managed to piss me off with in 5 minutes of my deplaning.  No duty free store on entry (what…  lame.. especially as I didn’t bring any toiletries bc I was planning on getting them in duty free on the way in)  then, I got to listen to a very nice woman who was friendly enough but shockingly racist and completely unaware of it.  (We all have our little or big bigotries, but  you could at least pretend to acknowledge  them..) , but still none of this is a crisis.. minor annoyances.  Then I discover that they don’t allow non residents to reclaim their sales taxes on departure… neener .. you’re not using any of the infrastructure .. but  fuck you.. you’re paying the taxes for them.  Buncha dicks in the Canadian Government.  Sigh whatever.

It wasn’t all bad… some things about Canada I long for and miss dearly.  I miss my people, my friends and Family, it wasn’t as hard saying goodbye this time.  But I do miss them all.  And if you’ve never been, Canada is beautiful.  I mean really really beautiful.  The air is clean, the people are (at least superficially) friendly and nice (Although there were a shocking number of snobby cunts… yeah I said it.. get over it.)  My brother in law took me on a ride on his motorbike, and it was just gorgeous, I saw Canadian geese… I haven”t seen them in ages.  Swoon Geeses :D.

There is much more to the story, but I’m aiming for generalities.. and we’ll hope for more filling in later.  Mom and I rented a car, and drove all over hell’s half acre… You know how Canada is beautiful?  It really is.. it’s also HUGE.. like stupid retarded mentally incomprehensible huge.  We drove across the south, to Osoyoose (or as I  like to call it .. Soy-sauce) to see Nadine.. yay.  Then we went off through the crow’s nest pass… man I don’t recommend that at night… Dead and living deer all over the damn place.  Mostly killed by semi trucks, but it made for tense driving, constantly on the lookout for the damn deer.

I’ll resist mocking Alberta’s highways.. ok mostly… come on people that isn’t a corner.. and it’s definitely not one that needs that much attention and signs trying to warn me of the turn in the road.. lame. lol.

We got into Calgary at stupid o’clock in the morning, crashed for a few hours and then visited with my cousin.  On the road again to Edmonton (St. Albert actually), we stayed at my Aunt’s house for a week.  It was great seeing my Aunt and Uncle, I was quite close with them all growing up.  My uncle has always been more of a father figure rather than some distant uncle.  So his being sick, re

hey…

I’m in the midst of writing the good post.. you know the one you want to read and it’s gonna be password protected… lol but you fuckers aren’t checking my blog I see.. lol.. well if you miss it can’t blame me 😀

Why Not?

So what have I been to in the past few months?

Well nothing and a lot.   As I mentioned a few months back I had an epiphany.  About living life a for  the moment, and having a good time.  Some people say I need to focus and get my life on track, and perhaps they are right.  But I have spent a lot time focusing on things that I don’t actually hold to be important to me.

For the past few months I have just been enjoying life, and having a good time.  My recent motto in life has been “why not”, when faced with an opportunity I think well why not?  If I can’t think of a good reason not to, I’ve been shrugging and going with the flow.

And so far it’s panned out pretty well.  😀  Of course the first and most important why not is, because I don’t want to.  Don’t misunderstand this isn’t some kind of ‘yes man’ moment.  I’m not blindly agreeing to anything and everything based on some principal, honestly I’m only doing things that I’m either indifferent to or that I want to do on some level or other.

Oddly it seems to make saying no to things easier, like there are no rules of I can’t  say yes to this or that if I want to.. so when I don’t want to do something it’s a pretty clear feeling.   You know how sometimes you wiffle back and forth and you’re not really sure if it’s that YOU don’t

Returning to Yourself

Recently my perspective on things has been changing a little.  Well I guess I should say more of a returning to my original personality.  I was so madly in love with my ex that I really feel that I completely lost myself in many ways.  But wait we broke up ages ago..  I’ve been over it, and him.. well twice (long story that I’m not particularly interesting in going into) for eons.  Why wouldn’t have everything reset , if you will, right after or even soon after?

I haven’t got a clue.  All I know is a month or so ago, I found myself questioning some of my ‘new’er values and personal standards.   It occurred to me, that while they may make me a better person, they were also contradictory to my personality and to the main principals in my life.   To live life, to experience and enjoy the thing that I want to, the way I want to, within reason of course, but still.  In the past few years I have been taking the things Im “supposed to” seriously.  I’ve never done what I was supposed to, I guess I could call it an interesting experiment.

I was feeling a little disconcerted, I had spent 5 years being and trying to be this alternate person.  Why?  At the time I told myself, quite convincingly that I had grown up, I was a better person that I was on the right track.  But the reality of it all is that I was trying to be something for him, I loved

A Life Better Lived

I was biking the other day, and I got to thinking.  What’s the point?  I mean what does anyone want?  What do we have to show for our lives?

I’ve never been good with goals, they seem too, I don’t know, Meh?  It seems like a lot of work having all these goals and trying to achieve them, especially as I only seem to be doing it for everyone else.  I don’t really care.  Well why not?  My whole life, I’ve always thought it was kinda important to have fun.

So many people want to own a house, have a family, make lots of money so they have something to show for their lives.  But these things are just not motivators for me.  I’d rather do nothing than bust my ass for silly things like that.  I don’t want kids, I don’t really want to have some amazing career (mostly because it sounds life sucking and not fun), I would love to own a house but I’d probably give it to my mom to live in or something.

So while biking I kept coming back to the same thought.  A life better lived.  What is my goal in life?  Meh nuttin’.  What do I want? What do I care about?  Friends, my cat, my family… having fun.  It’s not so much about doing crazy things, just doing things that are fun for me.  Experiencing life, if not to the fullest then at least experiencing it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in doing something mental just for the ‘experience’ but at the same time I currently seem to be in this limbo where ‘tomorrow’ I’m going to start going out and playing with my camera, try that silly toilet restaurant, take the Mao Kong Gondola, go to Egypt (perhaps that will have to wait a min though) and a hundred other things.  Some more ambitious, some less but still this here tomorrow business is just rediculous.

I was thinking about it.   Everyone I know is getting married, having kids, working on their careers… and I’m just chillin’.  If I was totally happy with it, that would be fine, but sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I’m bored.  I feel like there should be more to it.   So I’ve decided that my thing will be a life better lived.  I don’t know that I’ll have any of the things that anyone else is working on, or that I’ll even want it.  But I will have photos, and memories of all the things I’ve done.

So if I’m captain adventure, why don’t I do anything?  Because I’m an even bigger coward.  I’m always scared of change and trying new things.  I go to restaurants and order the same thing, it’s safe and good.  But from not on, I plan to try to live by my new motto, a life better lived.  I will make an effort to break out of my shell and try something new and different when the opportunity arises.  I might even make the opportunities myself.

Like today, I suggested some friends and I go to the modern toilet place but at the last minute I changed my mind.  I just didn’t feel like being social, I wanted to be alone.  So I went for some sushi, and while at sushi, I thought, hey now…. instead of going home and doing nothing why not go check out the gondola? I didn’t know what time it closed, it was cold, dark and rainy, but I figured it didn’t hurt to at least drive over and take a look (it’s very close to my house, and in the years it’s been operational I’ve never been).

So I pootled on over, and lookie here it’s a Friday and they’re open late on Fridays.   So on a whim, I hopped on.   Now to be honest, I should have just gone up to the first station and back down, but silly me I went all the way to the top (it was only 50 nt).  I didn’t realize that it was such a long trip or that it was going to be as terribly cold as it was.  But hey, the city lights were pretty and I’ll definit

Bearing It All (lies, didn’t give much detail, seemed unecissarily bleh)

Disclaimer:

I’m not looking for sympathy, nor am I complaining.  It’s a long ass post, a lot of it is rough and if you don’t want to know or hear about it then don’t read it, don’t get cranky with me.  I’m just trying to in part exorcise some demons as well as give some perspective into me.   I would really like to preface this with, if you have never heard anything about this it’s because I try not  to bring it up.  Also keep in mind that I colour everything as much better than it was, in part because I don’t remember and in part because I think others have had worse.  My life is very good, and all of my hardships are nothing really.    For those who don’t understand me, perhaps this will shed some light.  I would like to point out that I try to keep a positive attitude and look on the bright side, I still trust people.  I think everyone is lovely until they are crap to me.  I try my best to be kind, and understanding to others.  I try to make up for my inadequacies, and apologize for my mistakes.  I don’t always succeed, but I do try.

——

At times I’ve been accused of being cold, or that I have such a tough exterior that everyone thinks that nothing with bother or hurt me. Which couldn’t be further from the truth, I try now to be more clear, don’t know that it helps, shrug.

A lot of things have  been said to me over the years, a lot of things have been done.  To me most of it is water under the bridge, nothing worth dwelling on, and moaning about.  But it seems that a little perspective is in order.

As a kid I spent years being told that I was a piece of crap, that I was worthless, I would never have any friends or anyone love me.  Not by my family, they always loved and supported me,  it was everyone else.  I’d get into the details but to be honest I don’t remember them.  You’d probably be better off asking my friends and family who were there and saw it.

People who have known me a long time, often comment on my ability to look on the bright side, or at least try to find something fun, happy and distracting.  To put the pain and hardships aside and enjoy what I can.  That said I did and still do cry in the corner, when I’m alone, or with others if I’m pushed.

When I  was in my early 20’s I was told that my mom was always terrified, given the hard time I had in school, that I survived it.  That everyone was terrified I would commit suicide.  And don’t get me wrong, I thought about it a lot, but I never did it because it seemed to selfish and harsh to others.  So even in the midst of my own pain, I still thought of those I loved.  And when I was told about this, I was really shocked, all I could think was ‘ come now it wasn’t all that bad was it’?

I have always tried to be a kind and giving person, and while I may not always succeed clearly I’m not all that bad at it.  From what those who care about me say about me when I’m feeling down or having a hard time.  But perhaps they are not being honest, they are just being kind.

So why has all the relationship stuff been getting to me recently?  Well my ex who I adored, I loved more than anything, broke my heart 7 ways from Sunday.  Numerous times.  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  But so what?  That’s nothing all that special.

Cue feelings of being unworthy from my youth, years of trying to build confidence and self worth, seem pointless.  But I made it through all that and even managed to remain friends with an ex.  S that’s not it.

So why is it so easy for me to fall back on the old stand by?  No one likes me, no one will love me, I’m not good enough to have what I want?

Well it’s a few things.  But I’d like to be clear, I’m not blaming anyone else, nor am I trying to shirk any responsibilities for where I might be  in life (in spite of some recent accusations).  I’m just trying to shed some light on things, for myself and others.  Perhaps what I need is to lay it all out and face the past, pretending it’s not there isn’t particularly helpful anymore.

When I was a kid, I was a happy little thing, I trusted everyone I liked everyone.  But other people are mean, cruel and spiteful.  I wanted to be friends with everyone, but someone decided I should be hated and I was.  I wasn’t invited to birthday parties, and if I was those kids were told to un-invite me and not be friends with me or they would be black listed too.  Imagine how hard it was for a little girl, who just wants to be friends to be invited to a party, and then be told, sorry you can’t come and I can’t be your friend anymore.  And then have that ‘friend’ eventually join in the taunting and beatings?

I’m not a violent person, I’ve never been in a fight, I’ve never hit anyone.  So why am I so aggressive at times?  Why do I talk the talk?  Because it was the only defense I had.  I get angry when, I accused of lying, or when I’m afraid.  If you scare me I respond with frightening anger, if I poof up big enough, you’ll back off and stop trying to hurt me.  It worked so well, that it became part of who I was.  Yet through it all I’ve tried to grow, let things go and get past all this.  I don’t just randomly abuse people, I don’t sit around bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t invited to this and that.

So why haven’t I talked about this before?  Because everyone has their own problems, everyone had their own issues from when they were kids.  And I don’t want to be another person whinging about how hard their life was,  that’s it’s why they are such a whiner now.  It annoys me, we all have shit to deal with, deal with it.  Move past it.  But that said, obviously I understand the hurt feelings and the fact that our present is coloured by our past.

Move on to the teen years, the beatings stopped, because I stopped them by being mouthy and a bitch.  But the constant abuse from my peers didn’t stop until I went to university.  In high school, I would marvel at the magic when someone would say we were friends.  I used to count my friends.  At one point I had 25 people who would be my friend, amazing.  It’s all a blur to me, I always say it wasn’t that bad… but Tracey and others that were there disagree.  The only incident that stands out in my mind, is when I was egged, and almost beaten for having the nerve to be at a party.  Why do I remember this?  Because to me, it’s a heart warming story, three of my friends stood up for me and insisted on leaving with me.

On relationships in high school, chuckle.. yeah right.  There was my friend’s boyfriend who always tried to get me to hook up with him behind his girls back (story of my life), and all the guys who wanted to fool around as long as no one found out.  When no one was around they all wanted a piece, because I was hot, but they didn’t want anyone to know because I was hated.  (that didn’t’ hurt at all).

Then there was a guy I was friends with, I was tutoring him in math, he was a grade younger than me.  We ended up fooling around all the time, you know how teenagers are nothing interesting though.. just smootching.   He was kinda in with the cool kids, and stood up for me! He was willing to be my friend in public! Nothing more(in public), but hey to me it was amazing. Then he pushed things, ‘forced’ me to do things I wasn’t ready or ok with using our “friendship” as leverage.  And then when I complied, basically threw me out.  The next time I saw him, I said no.. he laughed and said you never wanted to the first time too right?  Well you’d better leave then.  And basically never spoke to me again.  My lesson from this?  After the pain of the betrayal?  In the long run it was a good thing, because before that I couldn’t say no.  I wanted so much to be liked I would have done anything.  Well I found the line and it was drawn.

The Friend who replaced him, Donna is another long story, but the short of it is, she was my best friend we practically lived in each others pockets and then one day she started dating a guy who hated me.  Bye friend.

University, hooray! A whole new world a new start.  I had friends, lots of them, more than I had any idea what to do with.  Some people loved me, some hated me shrug c’est la vie.  Everything was great, I started dating (how exciting).  Unfortunately I fell in with a really slimy dude right at the beginning of school.  But I was so excited to have a boyfriend who was proud to show me off (of course he was, I was f-ing hot and he was a wanker).  Of course, he cheated on me at ever possible opportunity and then dumped me for one of my ‘friends’ who btw wasn’t very attractive.  And yes that makes it worse.  So my first real boyfriend, tossed me aside like all the others. Oh hi there insecurities, damn you.

That’s ok, it’s uni.  Life went on.  I fell madly in love with a guy from my Boxing club, he was gorgeous, sweet and wonderful and best of all into me of all people.  We were only together for a short time, but he was my first real love.  What happened was just stupid youth and lack of communication, we were both silly.  But it felt like he just walked away from me. But I was ok with it, I always wonder what if though.

Let’s not forget the breakdown I had in school.  I just wigged out completely, ended up in the snow sobbing no knowing what was going on.  According to my counselor it was all the bad emotional trauma from school that I had bottled up, spilling out now that I was emotionally stable enough to deal with it.  But not knowing the source of all these feelings drove me bonkers and stressed me out.

Then I met another guy, we hit it off hugely.  We started dating, and it was bad.  I loved what I wanted him to be, I loved that he adored me so much.  but it went all wrong.  He became possessive and abusive (he didn’t hit me it was other things that there is no need to get into).  I tried to get out of the relationship, but he did his damage well.  (side note, he’s a very good person and he never meant to do any of this,  he was a good guy who was young and stupid he was desperate to not lose me, we all make mistakes, and I forgive him so no need to get up in arms.  I could be more honest and revealing of what happened, but why?).  Over our time together, he convinced me that no one would ever love me, only he would.  And that I would die lonely, old and alone with out him.  (Don’t get me wrong, I was a fucking bitch to him, but I was trying to defend myself from him and what he did in private).  Our relationship was fucked up.

I have gotten over everything he said and did, except one.  I will always be alone, that no one will ever love me.  That I’m not worthy of love.  That one is just a slightly different flavour of the same cake from when I was younger.

Fast Forward, life in Taiwan.  Actually after him, I didn’t want a relationship or men.  I was genuinely afraid of them and what they would do to me and my life.  Because no matter how much I hated him for what he did, it was nothing compared to how much I loathed myself.  I am a strong person, and I allowed it to happen.  Clearly I was too weak to allow men in my life. 😉

In comes the gay best friend, for years we were inseparable, another long story short.  He told me that all my friends hated me, and that he loved me but  it was difficult to be around me with other people because they all hated me.  That I was a burden.   How nice. My friend Sarah was there for all of that, I always felt bad that Sarah had to know me in such a dark time of my life.  Her comment?  she was amazed given how crap my called friends were up to, what a wonderful, kind, and happy person I was.  lol I still don’t get it.. I swear I was such a gloomy gus.  But then again I only remember feeling bad, but  I remember Sarah fondly, we had so much fun being silly, shopping and running about the city.  I miss her 🙂

Years later, all wounds have faded, on the surface anyway.  And I met my second love.  Most people know the story, it was messed up, it got way serious way fast.  And I couldn’t handle it, so instead of going with what I wanted I was terrified, this guy wanted to leave his wife and run away with me.  The last guy who was that into me, hurt me very badly.  I was scared, and then I lost him.  I realized I was in love with him.  I tried to fix it.  things were a mess, everyone had a lot of stress and hurt.

I messed things up, and that’s ok.  It ended ( a couple of times, sheepish grin), and in the end we stayed best friends.  But his girlfriend hates me, and doesn’t want us to be friends.  And he thinks I don’t take responsibility for my life, so we shouldn’t be friends right now…. words.

There you go, now you know some of it. Blah blah blah.. woe is me.

And that’s just it.. isn’t it?  I don’t think woe is me.  Yeah I’m bummed that I’m not in a relationship, but it’s not like I’m interested in settling for something crap, i think I’ve had my fair share of crap thank you very much.  But everything else in life is mostly ace.  Sure I get a little lonely sometimes, I miss my friends (the bastards either don’t move and I do.. or they move.. very insensitive lot really :D).

Sure I miss having a relationship, someone who loves and cares about me.  And even more so someone who I can care about and dote on, yes i’m that lame chick.. what of it. (fisty cuffs)

It’s not about getting laid… I’m a chick, give me a break, I could get that 7 times a day if I felt like it.  I really don’t think I’m asking too much, to want to meet someone who I find attractive, who is an interesting person, around my age and is interested in and appreciates me.

So what if sometimes, I get a little down?  Mostly i just try to enjoy my life, I’m on the fast track to paying off all my debt I have wonderful friends (albeit all over the world.. seriously you guys wanna go buy and island somewhere together? Just saying>.<.

And in the face of it all… I still believe in love, and romance, in spite of no evidence of it and all the evidence to the contrary.  I don’t think all guys are bastards, actually I think most off them are quite lovely even if they aren’t suited me, or I them.  I don’t think new people and friends suck, actually I’m sure they don’t.  I trust people, I care about people, I try to be kind and understand to everyone.  Yet I still seem to get walked on.. sigh.  Perhaps I should just go back to being a hard candy shell, cold ass bitch.  At least then I didn’t feel taken advantage of.  When people tossed me aside, I just got angry and stormed about thinking ‘fuck you’, now I just sit in the corner pondering what I did wrong, what did I do to make these people be so mean to me.  The get angry with me, to take what I say or do incorrectly?  Now I take all the blame, all the responsibility for how my actions bring situations about.

In some ways I’m tired of putting myself out there and trying, but it’s part of who I am.  I’m even more tired of trying to please everyone and be who and what they want. I’m just rambling now.

But it was sunny and lovely today, and I’m done writing now.  I’ve already mostly forgotten what made me do it in the first place or what half of it was even about.  I don’t feel like rereading it… so ha gonna just post it.  Take that. 🙂

Hope everyone has a lovely day  <— I remember enough to know that’s a little messed up lol, oh well such is me.

The Roommate Exchange

You know, I actually made a point to mentally go over my old roommates good points in my head.  To try to remember how he’s a pretty cool guy, with an interesting life and history.  But sometimes he made that really hard to do, with his misogynistic attitude and complete disrespect for his roommates and others around him.

The funny thing is, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if he didn’t expect everyone to respect him and his wants and needs while completely ignoring ours.  Example, he bangs some hoochie and has her scream like he’s killing her.. encourages her.  And when I say it’s rude and inappropriate he said it was none of my business because what goes on in his room is his business.  Not when I can hear it in the kitchen it isn’t.   But then, if I watched tv in my room he’d get massively twitchy about it like I was doing something terrible.  And even worse, he could just shoot me a skype message or, poke his head in the

A Friend is a Friend is Family a Friend..

Ok, so sit down and get ready to read.

What is a friend?  How do you define friends?  Are there really different kinds and levels?  Or is it really just black and white?

Personally, I think it’s a little of everything.  I do think there are definite lines but at the same time, for me anyway, there are multiple types and levels of friends.  Then bring family into the mix, things get even more complicated. Who is closer family, friends?  Is blood thicker than water?  You can pick your friends, but not your family… or can you?

I feel confidant that everyone has these thoughts from time to time, but maybe I’m wrong, perhaps it’s just me ;).    Either way I have friends, I have family but the lines get all blurred.  I have friends that are great, I love them, but they aren’t REALLY friends.  Not in the ‘my people’ sense.  On the other hand I have ‘people’ who are obviously friends because you can’t become people with out being friends, yet I never see or talk to them.  But in a pinch….

So who is a friend?  Who isn’t? What makes someone your friend?  A great time over a drink and a chat, regular lunches and confiding, close reliance on each other, there in a crisis, regular conversations, occasional deep and serious conversations, keeping in touch, or just

I Don’t Care (I’m not pretending any more, I’m trying)

Ok so I was a little irked about a couple of things, and you know how it is… they float about in the back of your focus.  But if they keep getting poked and prodded they become bigger issues.  So a few things that were bothering me, came to a head enough to start to coalesce into a blog post.

So I’m driving home on Saturday evening mentally composing what I want to write in my head.  I got home and started, but literally got about two sentences in when Tracey called.  We hadn’t spoken in ages so obviously I talked to her over writing, but by the time we got off the phone I was knackered (was already pretty tired before I got home) and had to go straight to bed.  Not to worry I’ll pick it up the next day.. but guess not.

As usual with me, a day later.. and ‘meh, I’m good’ it’s back to floating about in the back.  It’s not that I forget or don’t care anymore, it’s more that it’s not such a priority, it’s not weighing on me.  So it becomes a draft, and left until it comes up again.  I need to write when I’m in a full snit, if it’s something that bothers, angers, upsets, confuses me or so on, I need to write about it when it’s still hot sauce.

It’s actually not even the same thing that prodded me into action, but on some level it has to do with the same things.  For me anyway.

My instinct is to try to pad it for everyone, make sure that no one takes it personally whether I’m writing about them or not.  Well guess what I am writing about you.  I’m writing about everyone, myself, those close to me and those not.  Obviously it doesn’t all apply to any one person, heck for some of you none of it may currently apply.  The point is I’m making general statements about the state of the universe and how we take things.  Far more of it It has to do with myself, yes you heard it here first.. it’s all about me. So suck it.

Here is what I was writing, let’s see if I can express it clearly.  Let’s the circus begin.

Dear Everyone,

F

Somewhere between Amusement and Annoyance

So a friend invited me to go out for dinner/ hang out this evening.  We went for dinner and it was  was REALLY good.

While we’re sitting there chatting and he mentioned that while out with a couple of our other friends and his and their girlfriends.  It came up that these girls all seem to have the impression that I’m into their guy.  I had to laugh but I’m also a little irritated.

He confessed that he might have made it worse because he said that he had told one guy’s girlfriend that I was sad when I found out he was involved (idiot 🙂 ).  Which he genuinely believed.  It completely blew me away.. I have never been interested in my friend, and yes I was surprised to learn he was engaged, but disappointed?? no.  Perhaps if I had known him for longer and better I might have been but I found out perhaps after the 4th time I had met him, and I was just surprised as he didn’t ‘seem’ like he was with anyone.  It turns out his gf/finance was studying abroad which is why he had so much free time, which made so much more sense when I got the story.

Anyway I guess his gf was concerned, so My two other friends explained to her that I’m just really friendly and flirty.   That it’s my personality and I don’t mean anything by it.  Then the girlfriend of my friend that I was out with, made some crack about how he better not be letting me flirt with him.

Seriously I hate people.  Women especially.  I have yet to meet a dumber set of creatures than women.  (obviously I don’t really mean that before someone crawls up my ass, I’m just annoyed and venting).  I mean seriously, if I wanted a piece of that why wouldn’t I have taken a crack at it when any of these guys were single?  Or when the one guy’s girl was out of country?  Oh because I’m not interested???  They are my friends… but people seem to think that if you’re friends with someone the only possible reason is because you want to fuck them.

LAME.  I’m friends with them because we all like board games.  I’m not in it for the secret late night sex game parties (that sweet Jesus I hope don’t exist), I’m in it for the games and company of good friends.

All this lame ass jealousy amuses me when I’m being higher minded about it… but annoys the hell out of me most of the time.  I will never understand the whole I love you so I’m going to be jealous of anyone and everyone around you.  And if you loved me you’d miss me all the time and be jealous when anyone looked sideways at me.  (insert eye roll here)

Plus the dumbest part is clearly these women don’t know me in the slightest because as anyone who knows me can attest to, I want nothing to do with any guy who is involved with anyone.  Given my history dabbling in the arena, I’ve learned my lesson.  Nothing good comes of it… and I stand by the logic if he’d cheat on you to be with me he’ll cheat on me to be with someone else.  Have been very badly burned by that and have the scars to prove it.

Plus I genuinely think people put themselves and what they would do on other people.  I trust people because I’m trust worthy.  I’ll trust you until you do something to prove to me that you’re not worthy of my trust, when you break it then it’s kinda fucked.  But until then I’ll trust you.  What makes me suspicious is when ‘you’ get all suspicious and nervous all the time…. what are you up to when I’m not around that makes you so suspicious of me?  That’s what I think these guys should throw back in their faces when their women get out of line.

lol but maybe I’m just a bitch.

(PS this is a much bigger issue in Taiwan, I’ve run into some of this sort of thing other places… but not like here.   )

Protected: New Doctor

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Hu… stumped

So there has been some nagging for me to blog and post.. not sure why it’s not like anyone reads this anymore.

So without looking at the 25 half written posts I was just sitting here thinking about what to write.  And really there isn’t much to talk about… life is rather uneventful as of late.  Now hang on aren’t I busy half the time?  I barely work.. wtf am I doing?  Well sometimes I watch TV, play on the internet, play board games, go to work, sleep, play with the small furry demon living in my house….   seriously nothing of particular interest.

I have started learning how to do personal training and am training a friend of mine.  Sound exciting… but meh so far it’s just stuff.  hmmm Had someone who appeared to be taking an interest in me… but before that could actually be considered interesting it turned out he was gay… (I should have known… local dudes don’t think I’m hot.. that was suspect from the beginning).   My cat is cute and friendly to all.. um…

See.. I’m all tapped out.

Casey never talks to me anymore, and I’m tired of being unappriciated.  But like with so many other situations (being the friend who calls, the friend that always invited people, always organizes things) as soon as you stop making an effort it turns out no one else seems to give a crap enough to ever contact you.  Depressing.. but unfortunately true.

Tracey tries to talk to me, but time zones and work don’t seem to be our friends.

I still have no passport bc I didn’t know how to spell my previous last name.. that while was legally my name for a while I never used it.

I still loathe the fact that people think it’s hilarious to call me “Maggie” when I specifically tell them I don’t like it.  WTF is that???  Yes my rule is if you know me by that name I have no right to tell you to change it… and the funny thing is most people just changed anyway bc it was easier.  But along come the people who haven’t known me that long, they hear I used to have another name.  OOOH secret must know it.   I am hesitant to tell them, not because I care but because most people then proceed to slip Maggie into the conversation to try to get a reaction. Seriously? “Hey don’t punch me in the face bc it hurts and I don’t like it”  … “Oh really”  PUNCH PUNCHPUNCH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHH … hilarious.  What am I talking for my own entertainment??  Didn’t I just fucking say I don’t like that??  “Well you don’t need to over react, it was just a joke, I thought it would be funny”.

Yes. Hilarious.

Let’s see….  oh yes and there are tiny ants on my desk.. there you’re all caught up now.

Busy.. not really?

Ok I don’t get it.. I only work 18-20 hours a week right now, and I swear I’m always busy.  But I don’t really do anything… hmm.  Oh well.  I don’t much feel like writing right now, so touhg.. actually I feel like writing just not accounts of stuff.  Plus life keeps getting in the way…

Here is a video that I just uploaded from the Astro boy Sushi 🙂 Enjoy.

Chinese Proficiency.. sigh

Well that’s frustrating, I found out the TOP pilot test would be the same day as the party I was having (ie today).  And I was all excited, I could write the test in the morning run after and then party in the afternoon.

I got up all early, had a breakfast like a good girl and went to the test.  Sat down and started, and lemmi tell you the listening portion of the test was ridiculously boring.  It was so easy, the only thing I was a little stumped on was the word for tennis ball, 😀 as I don’t happen to know that word.  BUT then the test buggered up (we were testing on computers) and jumped to the end of the test.  So we all missed more than half of the listening portion of the test.

They told us to just continue with the test and that they would sort it out later.  So I started on the reading portion, which was HARD in part because I’m a bit crap at reading and also it was more difficult reading the characters on the computer screen.   Somewhat itsy font and generally reading on a computer is more difficult than on paper.

So when we finished the test, they told us that to complete the part of the test that was messed up.  But I can’t I’m having guests, then I found out that actually I had to write both the morning and the afternoon tests in order to get the score anyway.

DAMNIT so it turns out I apparently just can’t read in English, and missed the part that you had to do two tests.  The upside is if you do both tests then you can do the real test for free (instead of a 30$ charge)  and get an official certificate.  The down side is I can’t do the second test and the next set won’t be until March.

All of this wouldn’t really have mattered as I didn’t realize I could do the real test for free from writing the two tests in the first place.  All I wanted to know was would I pass the test if I wrote it or not, but I don’t even get to know that because the computer system screwed up.  The worst part is I’m pretty sure I would have passed the test (even with my shitty reading score).

Oh well, I guess I’ll go for a run and cry into my Wheaties later.  I guess I have a better idea of  what I need to study.. the contrast of how easy the listening was for me and how hard the reading was really shows I need to get my reading up.

Little Stories:Games games.. putt putt no gas

I had a great day, went biking, got POURED on.  Luckily it was at the end of my ride so the chilly rain wasn’t too bad.

Went to games and played games with all my awesome gaming friends.  Some of the off colour jokes were telling were full on histerical.. I’m not even going to repeat them because it would sound trashy and it’s totally going to be one of those ‘you had to be there’ situations.

What you didn’t need to be there to have a laugh at my expense was the end of the night.  Andrew was worried about missing his train, so I quickly gave him a ride to the station.  Only to realize almost immediately that I was almost out of gas.. like the bike was sputtering out of gas.  FUCK.  Seriously we got about 2 blocks and the bastard died… luckily he knew where a gas station was and it died about 200 m from the gas station so we just trotted to the station, and guess what… yeah that’s right since I was just running him to the train station and then heading back, el clever here didn’t bring a thing with me.  That’s right, no gas and no cash.  BALLZ

chuckle, luckily Andrew had cash and managed to keep his mocking to a minimum, he even tried to console me with tails of him running out of gas.  My other friends… bastards, were not so kind.  Much laughter and joy, on their part, ensued.

Sheepish girl here.

Ah well it’s was a good day and the gas thing is funny :D.

Not Japan

I swear, I am going to write about Japan, I will get to it. eventually

Anyway I’m work is being dramatic, and while it’s not all that serious it’s the ambiant stress.  Everyone else is all cranky and stressed out and it just seems to fill the air.  Which always put me on edge, my solution?  Bake a cake.. that’s right that’s how freaking Suzie home maker I’ve become, I’m thinking of how to cheer everyone up.  Make the place a little more pleasant and the only think I can think of are baked goods.  Well that and I’ve just been itching for an excuse to make a chocolate soufflé and cheese cake 😛 although I may lame out and just make Banana bread because it’s easy 😛

But I REally want to try making cheese cake.

On a completely alternate note, I’ve been thinking a having a cooking class for beginners at my house.  I mean I know how to cook,  I love cooking and lots of people haven’t a clue and would like to learn (I think anyway), so I’m think just some small fee plus splitting the cost of the ingredients.  Either way it should be fun, assuming I can find anyone to do it that is.

Ramble ramble I need to finish unpacking from Japan and clean etc.. which always seems to get stalled about 5 minutes in.  Must be productive… doooo it … oh cak I was going to go swimming to today.. hate.. don’t wanna.

Bad Sandwich?

Friday sucked, I didn’t really get anything done, which irritated me.  Then I went to a make up class at my school, and the kids were really annoying and then after class my supervisor wanted to talk to me.  And while it wasn’t it really felt like an ambush it was my day off and I was just there for my own special class.  Anyway there was some mix up with the schedule last semester, and I don’t really remember who said what, I do know that everyone was a bit unsure as to what was happening.  I found a schedule and asked if it was right.  My guess is because it was all so confusing whom ever I talked to just said yeah that looks right with out looking closely, and I didn’t question it.

Anyway long story short, it sucks, but what is done is done.  I was trying to find solutions but I felt like there was just a lot of finger pointing going on.  Is it your fault why didn’t you ask?  If you asked, then who did you ask.. was it this person or that…   In the end I just took the blame because I was tired of the circle.  But it really stressed me out, because there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  Yes I know that should make it all better, but for the time being it didn’t.

Then I lost my phone, went on an excursion trying to find a damn shoe adapter thing for my Nike plus sensor.  Which ended up being terrible frustrating experience, bah….

Then I went home and had a damn drink (ice cream smoothie with baileys 🙂 ) Yay then I got a message, that my phone was at school and that I could pick it up after 1130.  I had had such a day, I was really distracted and distressed.

Then the next day I waited till 12, to make sure someone would be there.. got there and discovered that no I was wrong.. she had said BEFORE 1130.  DAMN IT.  Then worse yet I was meant to go to Sandy’s to hang out and pick up my stuff that she brought me.  But I didn’t write down the address because el clever here was planning on just checking the address on the phone on the way.

So I was faced with this day sucking too.. spill over.  NO DO not want.  So I rang one of my student’s door bell, borrowed their computer to check the address and I was off.  Went on a bit of a goose chase about trying to find the house, finally got there a little late.  But just in time for lunch! Sandy’s mum made us a great lunch, we had a gossip, she showed me all her wonderful bf presents (WANT.. if I can’t have the bf can I at least have prezzies?) She went to get a facial and I came along for a chat, then I had a facial after she was done.

My my that was pampery, I wouldn’t do it as often as she does (once a week.. nutter), but it was nice.  Then I wandered around a bit in her neighborhood… talk about accessories wowie.  Then on my way home I decided I had a hankering for Tappenyaki, so I went  and fulfilled that little desire.

Then home to play with the cat and clean the house a bit, all in all a decent day.

Now it’s Sunday and it’s panning up to suck a little I don’t have my phone, and I have no idea if anyone is going to play games.  So I’m going to go and hang out.. and hope for the best.  But I hate that, I don’t really care if I know if and when people will be coming, or if I can any way to get in touch with them to see if they have last min cancelled.  But I’m going to do my best to make the best of the day.. sigh 😛

Little Stories: Nick with pants

So when I was in Thailand, the night was silly and kinda lame but it made a turn for the better when I met this cool dutch girl.  And some, apparently, very famous dutch comedian a bunch of crazy brits.. quite a few random fun people.  At this one point I was chatting with this one guy and some dude went flying by and started acting like a monkey, literaly.  It was funny and the guy I was talking to me dared me to say hi to the monkey guy, but I had to say ‘Hi monkey boy’.

So I did, we ended up having a fun little chat.  He shakes my hand, introduces himself as Nick, and then promptly whips his pants off.

o.O I had enough ridiculous maleness for the night.. (that’s a different story) so I just turned around and walked away.

I did look back and saw he was wringing them out, and it occurred to me that he might have just come out of the ocean but still.  I mean hi, my name is nick.. WHIP no pants.

So I’m off talking to Eva, and he bounds up with pants on this time, and insists on a do over.

So he says, “Hi, I’m Nick-with-pants, you may have met my twin brother a few minutes ago he’s a bit of dick, his name is Nick-without-pants.  But don’t worry he’s gone and he won’t be bothering you anymore.  I on the other hand am a really nice guy, I appologize for his behaviour.”

Much giggling and laughter ensues, while he’s promising that Nick-without-pants won’t be coming back.. he said”wait unless he’s invited back”  Of course I’m laughing my butt off at this point, so I told him he I liked Nick-with-pants but if he was nice.. maybe Nick-without-pants might be invited back.

It was a really funny night. Not too much later everyone went home for the night, but I stayed out to dance a little longer so one of the boys gave me their flashy devil horns.

😀  That’s my little story, I have so many funny little ones like this .. I though maybe I’d share a couple here and there 😉

I wonder

have you ever wanted to write?  To blog, but you didn’t really want anyone to read it?  Not like a diary thing, that no one could read with out my being all upset, just .. actually I don’t care who reads it.  But I don’t want comments or questions.  Like you’re welcome to read it… but I don’t care what you think, I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to answer any questions.  But I know if I were to write such a thing, there would be questions, while most would respect my request for silence, curiosity would get the best of some.  Or they would feel they were the exception…

Do you guys ever feel that way?  Just curious.

🙂

Sensitive Girl…edit

I had this big post all planned out in my head, very heart pouring out.  Revealing of inner workings and such.. but that sort of thing hasn’t really been panning out for me much recently.

I was going to delve into my school years, the reasons for my bravado, hard candy coating, my false sunny front that I put up when down.  But as I sit down to write, I don’t want to share.

Seems odd to me too, perhaps I’m just in a bad mood but I don’t feel like sharing my thoughts and feelings.  Explaining myself and why the things people do and say get to me…  instead I’m going to go back to reading or drawing or something.. perhaps tomorrow will be a more ‘writy, sharey day’.

Kitty Kitty Needs a Name

I’ve put off naming my kitty because I had said I would trade the kitty for the white one, if they couldn’t find her a home.

But I didn’t really want to do that… and due to the issue I was hesitant to name her because I’d be bummed if I had to give her back.

So she’s been called kitty, baby and princess for the past few weeks.   ?sigh but I’m in a pickle.. I have no idea what to name her…  help.

Here’s a list of a few names I’m considering, oppinions?

Nimra(tigeress), Ninja, Sahaba(cloud), Istilqa (sleep), Durra (lovebird), Layla (night), or or or .. taking suggestions.  I want to name her something in Arabic… but I guess anything not English is cool.  as long as I feel the name suits her.  She’s a bit of a skinny kitty, super active and playful but loves a good cuddle.  She’s a talker, and has almost been killed a few times for constantly and obsessively stealing q-tips.  I actually quite like ninja but it sounds kinda masculin…

Here are some pictures  what do you guys think?

I’ll Never Tell

If you think this post is about you… then it probably is.  And maybe you should think about what happened or what part you played in making me write this.  If you think it’s not about you.. maybe you should think again it probably is on some level.  (Note I don’t believe in forget)

First off I’m sorry, for the things I said or did.  I can’t claim to be entirely innocent here either.  But that said I’m annoyed with you and I’ve really had enough, I’d say something directly but why?  I hate that and it doesn’t really serve any purpose.  But then sitting around being annoyed and frustraited doesn’t seem to be going anywhere either.

What to do?

We’ll you can do as you like, but this is what I’m doing.  Turning the other cheek, letting go, call it what you will.  But what ever it is, here is the only thing I have to say to you.

I forgive you, it’s over it’s in the past.  I forgive you for everything that you’ve done to insult anger or hurt me.  I’m sorry I have resented you, I love you and I forgive you.  What ever it is that you did, or that I think you did, or that I perceived as you doing I know it wasn’t done with malice.  Even if it was intentional you didn’t mean it that way.  I’m letting it go I’m not angry, upset or hurt anymore (rinse and repeat).  I’m sorry if my resentment, anger or hurt feelings caused me to lash out.  I’m sorry for what I did in retaliation.  I’m sorry I held a grudge.

I forgive you, it’s the past and it’s done.

Next please.

No Subject, here, there, everywhere

Hmmm I’m not even sure where to begin, usually I have an idea, a thread, a title.. it’s all pretty much mapped out in my mind.  But not this one.  I guess I’m just going to have to write it and see where it goes, see what comes out and what title will do.

That’s not to say that I don’t have any idea what to write, or even on other subjects tasty little tidbits that have been mapped out.  But that’s not what I want to write.. obviously.  So her I sit sipping on my drink.. wait someone is chatting with me.

Ok Back.

Speaking of random…ok you don’t know this but I do.. it’s funny how connections are made.  So one of my old friends from PG just started chatting with me, she is the daughter of my old boxing coach.  Actually I had just messaged her a week or so ago to ask if she remembered Mike’s last name.

Now why would I want to know that, well most because I’m curious and a few blasts from the past have contacted me and it’s been good for a

So What Is It Then?

I’ve been thinking about it… and this whole being specific about what you want is.. well to put it frankly .. bull shit.

I have thought about it lately.  And recently I had an epiphany.

At the urging of several people I know, authors I respect, just trying to figure things out etc.  and a while back I wrote this post [Dear Universe] trying to detail what it is I want.  The other day I was thinking about it… and I realized everything I wrote was total BS, I mean sure these things may or may not be important to me but is it really, I mean REALLY what I want?

Sure, but to be honest when I wrote it, I was grasping at straws.  I didn’t know what to write so I forced myself to write something.  Everything says you need to be as specific as you can, and I tried to do that, but the reality is specific doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t right.   It was right, it is true.. but is it what  I really want?

I wrote another post about [getting what you want] which honestly when I went back a read it, I thought damn this girl knows what she’s talking about.  (Isn’t that a fricken laugh).  Well remember step one?  Yeah.. making lists about things you kinda maybe want because you need to make the list isn’t really the sa