Returning to Yourself

17 03 2011

Recently my perspective on things has been changing a little.  Well I guess I should say more of a returning to my original personality.  I was so madly in love with my ex that I really feel that I completely lost myself in many ways.  But wait we broke up ages ago..  I’ve been over it, and him.. well twice (long story that I’m not particularly interesting in going into) for eons.  Why wouldn’t have everything reset , if you will, right after or even soon after?

I haven’t got a clue.  All I know is a month or so ago, I found myself questioning some of my ‘new’er values and personal standards.   It occurred to me, that while they may make me a better person, they were also contradictory to my personality and to the main principals in my life.   To live life, to experience and enjoy the thing that I want to, the way I want to, within reason of course, but still.  In the past few years I have been taking the things Im “supposed to” seriously.  I’ve never done what I was supposed to, I guess I could call it an interesting experiment.

I was feeling a little disconcerted, I had spent 5 years being and trying to be this alternate person.  Why?  At the time I told myself, quite convincingly that I had grown up, I was a better person that I was on the right track.  But the reality of it all is that I was trying to be something for him, I loved him more than anything.  It wasn’t a conscious thing, I didn’t think I know hey, let me toss me myself and I out the window and be or say anything to make him love me again.  (I just vomited a little in my own mouth)

Then suddenly a couple of weeks ago it hit me, all my justifying about my being a better person.  More mature, functioning member of society was complete drivel; sure it was true in a sense.  But while I might have been a ‘better’ version of myself was I happier?  Given that in my life that has always been my primary concern… this was a huge woooah moment.

The answer was no.  And then I swear I may have actually heard the click.  Something snapped, or snapped back.  Confidence that I had lost, hi there.  This empty feeling of something missing, gone.  This sad desire for something to fill the emptiness, gone.  Self respect, and clear ideas about how I feel and what I give a damn about, I’d missed you my pretties.

The other day, I ran into a friend.  And he sent me a message later commenting on how happy I had seemed.  And I am.  No more feeling of inadequacy bc I don’t have what he or she has.  No feelings of depression, or worthlessness.  Not to say that this was all a serious issue, it was all just underlying background shit.  But it was a lingering, shadow of un-cool that affected every aspect of my life.

How could you ever feel full, or satisfied with anything when you’re betraying your own nature and self?  My answer is you can’t.

Magda, my dear, you’re a bit of a trouble maker and not always the best person.  But you’ve been missed dahling, by me anyway (screw everyone else)

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13 responses

17 03 2011
dee

Welcome back!!!

17 03 2011
Magdalicious

Thanks 🙂

17 03 2011
Jill

YAY!!!!

17 03 2011
Magdalicious

like 😉

17 03 2011
miltownkid

By the time we wake up to the fact that there is a “true nature” to reclaim, we have A LOT of work to do getting back to it. Even worse, the road back isn’t an expressway (not all the time anyway). It’s filled with looping mountain roads, gravel roads in the country, roads that disappear into open plains, heck, we might even run into bridges to cross… WITH NO BRIDGE! Do we forge ahead, double back… That was fun. 🙂 Anyhow, glad to hear you’ve found a paved road. Don’t be afraid to venture off the beaten path. It might lead to an express way! (or a borked bridge… 😦 ) Whatever. Just keep moving.

17 03 2011
Magdalicious

I don’t really see that as what’s happened.. it wasn’t a matter of realizing I was going against my nature and then trying to returning to it.. it was more a shifting back to my natural state on my own and pondering the mental shift that made me noticed it.

17 03 2011
miltownkid

Perhaps shifting back to your true nature is easier for you than most. It’s almost all I focus on and… I still struggle… 😛 I see “true nature” as something born with that is below all the layers of BS that get built up from life (friends, family, school, work, TV, movies, music and all other misc. propaganda). Once you get it back, it’s almost as if you have to protect it like the rarest of jade.

Perhaps you could teach me. 🙂

19 03 2011
Magdalicious

perhaps.. although it’s just been my life except about 4-5 years… the only time I really betrayed it was.. well you know 🙂

17 03 2011
bowet000

As I’ve said before, I know exactly how you feel :). I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I have certainly heard a few clicks myself in the recent past and feel like I’m finally on the right train to get back to being myself, even if “real” me is more “grown up” than “real” you lol.

17 03 2011
Magdalicious

oh ha ha 😛

9 04 2011
Peg Vince

thats my girl

9 04 2011
Magdalicious

thanks mummy 🙂

23 04 2011
Peg Vince

I Like the rael you the best that person is wonderful. Charming bright and shiny with lovely panas so honest and sinsere.

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