Returning to Yourself

Recently my perspective on things has been changing a little.  Well I guess I should say more of a returning to my original personality.  I was so madly in love with my ex that I really feel that I completely lost myself in many ways.  But wait we broke up ages ago..  I’ve been over it, and him.. well twice (long story that I’m not particularly interesting in going into) for eons.  Why wouldn’t have everything reset , if you will, right after or even soon after?

I haven’t got a clue.  All I know is a month or so ago, I found myself questioning some of my ‘new’er values and personal standards.   It occurred to me, that while they may make me a better person, they were also contradictory to my personality and to the main principals in my life.   To live life, to experience and enjoy the thing that I want to, the way I want to, within reason of course, but still.  In the past few years I have been taking the things Im “supposed to” seriously.  I’ve never done what I was supposed to, I guess I could call it an interesting experiment.

I was feeling a little disconcerted, I had spent 5 years being and trying to be this alternate person.  Why?  At the time I told myself, quite convincingly that I had grown up, I was a better person that I was on the right track.  But the reality of it all is that I was trying to be something for him, I loved him more than anything.  It wasn’t a conscious thing, I didn’t think I know hey, let me toss me myself and I out the window and be or say anything to make him love me again.  (I just vomited a little in my own mouth)

Then suddenly a couple of weeks ago it hit me, all my justifying about my being a better person.  More mature, functioning member of society was complete drivel; sure it was true in a sense.  But while I might have been a ‘better’ version of myself was I happier?  Given that in my life that has always been my primary concern… this was a huge woooah moment.

The answer was no.  And then I swear I may have actually heard the click.  Something snapped, or snapped back.  Confidence that I had lost, hi there.  This empty feeling of something missing, gone.  This sad desire for something to fill the emptiness, gone.  Self respect, and clear ideas about how I feel and what I give a damn about, I’d missed you my pretties.

The other day, I ran into a friend.  And he sent me a message later commenting on how happy I had seemed.  And I am.  No more feeling of inadequacy bc I don’t have what he or she has.  No feelings of depression, or worthlessness.  Not to say that this was all a serious issue, it was all just underlying background shit.  But it was a lingering, shadow of un-cool that affected every aspect of my life.

How could you ever feel full, or satisfied with anything when you’re betraying your own nature and self?  My answer is you can’t.

Magda, my dear, you’re a bit of a trouble maker and not always the best person.  But you’ve been missed dahling, by me anyway (screw everyone else)