Bearing It All (lies, didn’t give much detail, seemed unecissarily bleh)

30 12 2010

Disclaimer:

I’m not looking for sympathy, nor am I complaining.  It’s a long ass post, a lot of it is rough and if you don’t want to know or hear about it then don’t read it, don’t get cranky with me.  I’m just trying to in part exorcise some demons as well as give some perspective into me.   I would really like to preface this with, if you have never heard anything about this it’s because I try not  to bring it up.  Also keep in mind that I colour everything as much better than it was, in part because I don’t remember and in part because I think others have had worse.  My life is very good, and all of my hardships are nothing really.    For those who don’t understand me, perhaps this will shed some light.  I would like to point out that I try to keep a positive attitude and look on the bright side, I still trust people.  I think everyone is lovely until they are crap to me.  I try my best to be kind, and understanding to others.  I try to make up for my inadequacies, and apologize for my mistakes.  I don’t always succeed, but I do try.

——

At times I’ve been accused of being cold, or that I have such a tough exterior that everyone thinks that nothing with bother or hurt me. Which couldn’t be further from the truth, I try now to be more clear, don’t know that it helps, shrug.

A lot of things have  been said to me over the years, a lot of things have been done.  To me most of it is water under the bridge, nothing worth dwelling on, and moaning about.  But it seems that a little perspective is in order.

As a kid I spent years being told that I was a piece of crap, that I was worthless, I would never have any friends or anyone love me.  Not by my family, they always loved and supported me,  it was everyone else.  I’d get into the details but to be honest I don’t remember them.  You’d probably be better off asking my friends and family who were there and saw it.

People who have known me a long time, often comment on my ability to look on the bright side, or at least try to find something fun, happy and distracting.  To put the pain and hardships aside and enjoy what I can.  That said I did and still do cry in the corner, when I’m alone, or with others if I’m pushed.

When I  was in my early 20’s I was told that my mom was always terrified, given the hard time I had in school, that I survived it.  That everyone was terrified I would commit suicide.  And don’t get me wrong, I thought about it a lot, but I never did it because it seemed to selfish and harsh to others.  So even in the midst of my own pain, I still thought of those I loved.  And when I was told about this, I was really shocked, all I could think was ‘ come now it wasn’t all that bad was it’?

I have always tried to be a kind and giving person, and while I may not always succeed clearly I’m not all that bad at it.  From what those who care about me say about me when I’m feeling down or having a hard time.  But perhaps they are not being honest, they are just being kind.

So why has all the relationship stuff been getting to me recently?  Well my ex who I adored, I loved more than anything, broke my heart 7 ways from Sunday.  Numerous times.  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  But so what?  That’s nothing all that special.

Cue feelings of being unworthy from my youth, years of trying to build confidence and self worth, seem pointless.  But I made it through all that and even managed to remain friends with an ex.  S that’s not it.

So why is it so easy for me to fall back on the old stand by?  No one likes me, no one will love me, I’m not good enough to have what I want?

Well it’s a few things.  But I’d like to be clear, I’m not blaming anyone else, nor am I trying to shirk any responsibilities for where I might be  in life (in spite of some recent accusations).  I’m just trying to shed some light on things, for myself and others.  Perhaps what I need is to lay it all out and face the past, pretending it’s not there isn’t particularly helpful anymore.

When I was a kid, I was a happy little thing, I trusted everyone I liked everyone.  But other people are mean, cruel and spiteful.  I wanted to be friends with everyone, but someone decided I should be hated and I was.  I wasn’t invited to birthday parties, and if I was those kids were told to un-invite me and not be friends with me or they would be black listed too.  Imagine how hard it was for a little girl, who just wants to be friends to be invited to a party, and then be told, sorry you can’t come and I can’t be your friend anymore.  And then have that ‘friend’ eventually join in the taunting and beatings?

I’m not a violent person, I’ve never been in a fight, I’ve never hit anyone.  So why am I so aggressive at times?  Why do I talk the talk?  Because it was the only defense I had.  I get angry when, I accused of lying, or when I’m afraid.  If you scare me I respond with frightening anger, if I poof up big enough, you’ll back off and stop trying to hurt me.  It worked so well, that it became part of who I was.  Yet through it all I’ve tried to grow, let things go and get past all this.  I don’t just randomly abuse people, I don’t sit around bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t invited to this and that.

So why haven’t I talked about this before?  Because everyone has their own problems, everyone had their own issues from when they were kids.  And I don’t want to be another person whinging about how hard their life was,  that’s it’s why they are such a whiner now.  It annoys me, we all have shit to deal with, deal with it.  Move past it.  But that said, obviously I understand the hurt feelings and the fact that our present is coloured by our past.

Move on to the teen years, the beatings stopped, because I stopped them by being mouthy and a bitch.  But the constant abuse from my peers didn’t stop until I went to university.  In high school, I would marvel at the magic when someone would say we were friends.  I used to count my friends.  At one point I had 25 people who would be my friend, amazing.  It’s all a blur to me, I always say it wasn’t that bad… but Tracey and others that were there disagree.  The only incident that stands out in my mind, is when I was egged, and almost beaten for having the nerve to be at a party.  Why do I remember this?  Because to me, it’s a heart warming story, three of my friends stood up for me and insisted on leaving with me.

On relationships in high school, chuckle.. yeah right.  There was my friend’s boyfriend who always tried to get me to hook up with him behind his girls back (story of my life), and all the guys who wanted to fool around as long as no one found out.  When no one was around they all wanted a piece, because I was hot, but they didn’t want anyone to know because I was hated.  (that didn’t’ hurt at all).

Then there was a guy I was friends with, I was tutoring him in math, he was a grade younger than me.  We ended up fooling around all the time, you know how teenagers are nothing interesting though.. just smootching.   He was kinda in with the cool kids, and stood up for me! He was willing to be my friend in public! Nothing more(in public), but hey to me it was amazing. Then he pushed things, ‘forced’ me to do things I wasn’t ready or ok with using our “friendship” as leverage.  And then when I complied, basically threw me out.  The next time I saw him, I said no.. he laughed and said you never wanted to the first time too right?  Well you’d better leave then.  And basically never spoke to me again.  My lesson from this?  After the pain of the betrayal?  In the long run it was a good thing, because before that I couldn’t say no.  I wanted so much to be liked I would have done anything.  Well I found the line and it was drawn.

The Friend who replaced him, Donna is another long story, but the short of it is, she was my best friend we practically lived in each others pockets and then one day she started dating a guy who hated me.  Bye friend.

University, hooray! A whole new world a new start.  I had friends, lots of them, more than I had any idea what to do with.  Some people loved me, some hated me shrug c’est la vie.  Everything was great, I started dating (how exciting).  Unfortunately I fell in with a really slimy dude right at the beginning of school.  But I was so excited to have a boyfriend who was proud to show me off (of course he was, I was f-ing hot and he was a wanker).  Of course, he cheated on me at ever possible opportunity and then dumped me for one of my ‘friends’ who btw wasn’t very attractive.  And yes that makes it worse.  So my first real boyfriend, tossed me aside like all the others. Oh hi there insecurities, damn you.

That’s ok, it’s uni.  Life went on.  I fell madly in love with a guy from my Boxing club, he was gorgeous, sweet and wonderful and best of all into me of all people.  We were only together for a short time, but he was my first real love.  What happened was just stupid youth and lack of communication, we were both silly.  But it felt like he just walked away from me. But I was ok with it, I always wonder what if though.

Let’s not forget the breakdown I had in school.  I just wigged out completely, ended up in the snow sobbing no knowing what was going on.  According to my counselor it was all the bad emotional trauma from school that I had bottled up, spilling out now that I was emotionally stable enough to deal with it.  But not knowing the source of all these feelings drove me bonkers and stressed me out.

Then I met another guy, we hit it off hugely.  We started dating, and it was bad.  I loved what I wanted him to be, I loved that he adored me so much.  but it went all wrong.  He became possessive and abusive (he didn’t hit me it was other things that there is no need to get into).  I tried to get out of the relationship, but he did his damage well.  (side note, he’s a very good person and he never meant to do any of this,  he was a good guy who was young and stupid he was desperate to not lose me, we all make mistakes, and I forgive him so no need to get up in arms.  I could be more honest and revealing of what happened, but why?).  Over our time together, he convinced me that no one would ever love me, only he would.  And that I would die lonely, old and alone with out him.  (Don’t get me wrong, I was a fucking bitch to him, but I was trying to defend myself from him and what he did in private).  Our relationship was fucked up.

I have gotten over everything he said and did, except one.  I will always be alone, that no one will ever love me.  That I’m not worthy of love.  That one is just a slightly different flavour of the same cake from when I was younger.

Fast Forward, life in Taiwan.  Actually after him, I didn’t want a relationship or men.  I was genuinely afraid of them and what they would do to me and my life.  Because no matter how much I hated him for what he did, it was nothing compared to how much I loathed myself.  I am a strong person, and I allowed it to happen.  Clearly I was too weak to allow men in my life. 😉

In comes the gay best friend, for years we were inseparable, another long story short.  He told me that all my friends hated me, and that he loved me but  it was difficult to be around me with other people because they all hated me.  That I was a burden.   How nice. My friend Sarah was there for all of that, I always felt bad that Sarah had to know me in such a dark time of my life.  Her comment?  she was amazed given how crap my called friends were up to, what a wonderful, kind, and happy person I was.  lol I still don’t get it.. I swear I was such a gloomy gus.  But then again I only remember feeling bad, but  I remember Sarah fondly, we had so much fun being silly, shopping and running about the city.  I miss her 🙂

Years later, all wounds have faded, on the surface anyway.  And I met my second love.  Most people know the story, it was messed up, it got way serious way fast.  And I couldn’t handle it, so instead of going with what I wanted I was terrified, this guy wanted to leave his wife and run away with me.  The last guy who was that into me, hurt me very badly.  I was scared, and then I lost him.  I realized I was in love with him.  I tried to fix it.  things were a mess, everyone had a lot of stress and hurt.

I messed things up, and that’s ok.  It ended ( a couple of times, sheepish grin), and in the end we stayed best friends.  But his girlfriend hates me, and doesn’t want us to be friends.  And he thinks I don’t take responsibility for my life, so we shouldn’t be friends right now…. words.

There you go, now you know some of it. Blah blah blah.. woe is me.

And that’s just it.. isn’t it?  I don’t think woe is me.  Yeah I’m bummed that I’m not in a relationship, but it’s not like I’m interested in settling for something crap, i think I’ve had my fair share of crap thank you very much.  But everything else in life is mostly ace.  Sure I get a little lonely sometimes, I miss my friends (the bastards either don’t move and I do.. or they move.. very insensitive lot really :D).

Sure I miss having a relationship, someone who loves and cares about me.  And even more so someone who I can care about and dote on, yes i’m that lame chick.. what of it. (fisty cuffs)

It’s not about getting laid… I’m a chick, give me a break, I could get that 7 times a day if I felt like it.  I really don’t think I’m asking too much, to want to meet someone who I find attractive, who is an interesting person, around my age and is interested in and appreciates me.

So what if sometimes, I get a little down?  Mostly i just try to enjoy my life, I’m on the fast track to paying off all my debt I have wonderful friends (albeit all over the world.. seriously you guys wanna go buy and island somewhere together? Just saying>.<.

And in the face of it all… I still believe in love, and romance, in spite of no evidence of it and all the evidence to the contrary.  I don’t think all guys are bastards, actually I think most off them are quite lovely even if they aren’t suited me, or I them.  I don’t think new people and friends suck, actually I’m sure they don’t.  I trust people, I care about people, I try to be kind and understand to everyone.  Yet I still seem to get walked on.. sigh.  Perhaps I should just go back to being a hard candy shell, cold ass bitch.  At least then I didn’t feel taken advantage of.  When people tossed me aside, I just got angry and stormed about thinking ‘fuck you’, now I just sit in the corner pondering what I did wrong, what did I do to make these people be so mean to me.  The get angry with me, to take what I say or do incorrectly?  Now I take all the blame, all the responsibility for how my actions bring situations about.

In some ways I’m tired of putting myself out there and trying, but it’s part of who I am.  I’m even more tired of trying to please everyone and be who and what they want. I’m just rambling now.

But it was sunny and lovely today, and I’m done writing now.  I’ve already mostly forgotten what made me do it in the first place or what half of it was even about.  I don’t feel like rereading it… so ha gonna just post it.  Take that. 🙂

Hope everyone has a lovely day  <— I remember enough to know that’s a little messed up lol, oh well such is me.

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20 responses

31 12 2010
dee

*like*

31 12 2010
Magdalicious

🙂

31 12 2010
Peg Vince

Good Post….I love you lots
MOM

31 12 2010
Magdalicious

Awe thanks, love you too mom

31 12 2010
bowet000

I’ve been through all of this and never bailed out because someone i met or was friends with didn’t click with you. I met your gay best friend and he was a douche to you. Sarah was right, you deserve better friends than those types. I love you and think you’re great. I really value that you are a much different person than you were in high school or university and I KNOW because I was there for all of it!

The thing I think it is hard to realize about most situations is that your actions are not usually to blame with regards to why people act the way they do… a lot of that stems from their own issues that you have nothing to do with. You are a kind and thoughtful person (99% of the time) and if you are happy with yourself I know I certainly am 🙂 Love u.

31 12 2010
-LT-

I’m surprised that you even talk to other humans at all after this. One can almost forgive anything that happened before high school graduation because teenagers are essentially still babies in haory, sweaty bodies. But once a person gets to be an adult they are required by the social contract (that used to exist) to learn the rules of interpersonal relations. But they don’t. You seem to have attracted what Bugs Bunny would have called “doozies”. By that I mean giant, selfish assholes who need a Ministry of Social Graces-approved Engineer. That the person who stands beside someone and cracks them in the upper lip with their fist, really hard, when they do something that is clearly antisocial.

Or you could do that.

3 01 2011
Magdalicious

lol.. see see what a sunny person I am! I can forgive the before high school business because I don’t really remember it, other than in the form of stories that get told more than things that happened. Unfortunately as I get older my ability to mentally gloss over the bad and make it ‘never happened’ seems to be weakening.

Well yes, but at the same time I have a lot of really wicked amazing friends, who I didn’t want to insult by pairing them in anyway with this post of poo. lol.

I could give them a good wack, but I still believe (in spite of the raging evidence to the contrary sometimes) that people mean well and just screw up a lot. I just hope people can be as understanding and forgiving as I try to be when I bollix things up myself. Which unfortunately often isn’t the case, hence the incident that prompted me to write the post in the first place. Which has been mostly resolved (mostly) anyway, but still.

3 01 2011
miltownkid

I bet most boys are NOT lovely, my girlfriend doesn’t hate you and you already told me you don’t take 100% responsibility for your life (you said you do “for the most part”). 🙂

Taiwan is SOOOOOO not the place for a (western) chick to be trying to mack. Go find your dude and take him back to Taiwan. 😉

3 01 2011
Magdalicious

Have you ever heard of a dog with a bone? First of all I said they are lovely, as in people not as mates. And Dude seriously let it go about the 100% responsibility. That wasn’t what this post was about, you either missed the point completely or your being deliberately inflammatory for some reason.

I also wasn’t talking about dating in Taiwan, if I somehow gave the impression that this is what this post was about, sorry. Let me clear it up, I’m trying to show that it’s not all sun shine and roses and that I usually take responsibility even when I didn’t need to, and that in spite of some serious suck-age, and emotional baggage I’m working toward being a better person and trying to be positive.

The Whole point was, that I’m an open person but I don’t talk about a lot of things. I often don’t talk about the bad stuff, and certainly don’t ever say how bad it really was. So because of that (the openness vs the lack of discloser) I feel that some people don’t know me or where I am coming from, thus I tried to provide a little perspective. Get it now?

4 01 2011
miltownkid

I got it the first time. I don’t think most guys are lovely as people or as mates. I NEVER said you don’t take responsibility for your life. And my girlfriend still doesn’t hate you.

I’m certain my last comment was referring to this: “I still believe in love, and romance, in spite of no evidence of it and all the evidence to the contrary.

Perhaps you were talking about something else, I just figured the lack of evidence and all of the evidence to the contrary was related to your present location. My mistake. And as far as understanding what this post was about, you made it clear in the first paragraph:

“I’m just trying to in part exorcise some demons as well as give some perspective into me.”

My comments were comments what you wrote. You know better than anyone my OCDness about words and language. You are the one who decided to write a post and not edit it.

Call me a dick for “not letting go of 100% responsibility”, disagree with me about the percentage of lovely guys, but don’t say someone hates you when they don’t. That’s not cool. I was just correcting what I thought were some inaccuracies.

4 01 2011
Magdalicious

I never called you a dick, but I will tell you to stop being a bitch :). What I find frustrating, is that you ignore the intent or the focus of what I write and pick some minor little side bar and latch on for dear life.

Exhibit a, I said your girlfriend hates me, perhaps I should have said she isn’t cool with out friendship because to her it’s not normal plus our history, and in addition you go on about ‘unless there is ‘fucking’ in the mix Men and women can’t be friends’. But it seemed a little unnecessary as well as talking out of school if you will, This is for my friends, and what I said was enough to express the difficulty of the situation for ME (my blog damn it). (Anyone can read it obviously as it’s posted publicly, but I don’t bloody write trying to consider every little person who just might come across it.)

Exhibit b: I mentioned one or two things about dating and believing in love and romance and you again latch on like it’s the primary topic or purpose of the article. You clearly did know what it was about, but that wasn’t what you commented on. Which is fine, but you must be able to understand why that would raise a person’s hackles a little. To be pounced on if you will about minor side bars, and to completely ignore (for all intents and purposes) the main topic.

I didn’t ask for you to correct me, and I know that you know how publicly admonishing someone makes them feel, and how ineffective it is at changing their mind, language or whatever. 🙂

4 01 2011
Magdalicious

In your/his defense, I was annoyed and celled him.. it seems over the years I had told him all of this and more so he was responding not to the main thread, but to the things that seemed like new or different information. 🙂

3 01 2011
bowet000

I’m sorry Casey, I don’t understand what taking 100% responsibility for one’s life looks like.

3 01 2011
Magdalicious

I know right?

4 01 2011
miltownkid

I’m not sure how to describe what “it looks like” but I can give you this:

It’s something I got from Jack Canfield (that chicken soup for the soul guy), which he got from Jim Rohn (this personal development guru dude). The break down is like this: E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome)

Events are shit you don’t have any control over (the weather, your parents, where you grew up, how pimp my beard is, etc.) The response is how you react to events in your life.

The outcome is… the outcome. Where you are presently. How much money you make. Who you’re friends are. Where you live. How one with the dao you are. How pimp your beard is (although, you probably wouldn’t want a pimp beard…)

A person can blame the events in ones life for their current outcome, or they can take 100% responsibility for how they respond to those events (or some shit like that).

I know a lot of personal development stuff seems douchy, but I do like that one.

4 01 2011
bowet000

Which basically means, one often has very little control over the events in one’s life, especially when they involve other people, but you can choose whether or not you view the event as a positive or negative. Depending on whether you view an event as positive or negative will determine how you feel about the overall situation.

I can understand how one might think that, and to a certain degree could agree with that, however; I wouldn’t agree that one’s response to an event will always dictate the outcome. For example, just recently my grandmother passed away. My response to this event is to obviously be sad. Yet, there is no response that I could possibly undertake that would result in the outcome of my grandmother coming back to life, if that is what I wanted.

In my opinion saying “take 100% responsibility for your life” implies that you have control of what happens, and in many cases you do not. The only thing we do have control over is our response and whether we see value in the challenging things that happen in our lives. And this response may or may not help give us the outcome we desire.

Further with regards to the issues regarding your girlfriend, Mag clearly choose poorly in her wording by suggesting that your girlfriend hated her. Yet, should she have instead said that your girlfriend was insecure regarding your feelings for her, and instead of holding your responsible, felt it was more appropriate to lash out at the girl that she was feeling jealousy towards, by barring her from you life? I think that saying that your girlfriend hates or dislikes Mag is a much kinder way of expressing a dissension than shredding apart yours and her relationship, communication, and her insecurities on a public forum. But since we are aiming for accurate language… maybe that is what she should have done.

FOR SHAME MAG – next time, just tell it like it is.

4 01 2011
razzray

Hey babe, thanks for sharing this. I actually had a few similar experiences myself, and can`t imagine baring my soul like that. Kudos to you.

I know our friendship has had its ups and downs, often over our inability to communicate when younger… and partly due to some seriously deep rooted similarities, I think. Anyway, I hope you know that I really, truly, value your friendship. You are wonderful. And, I know you weren`t rooting for that when you wrote this post, I just wanted you to know!

Love, R

8 01 2011
Magdalicious

Meh, I do it all the time anyway when the mood strikes, so I thought fuck it. 😀
Thanks hun 🙂

8 01 2011
dee

Holy shit! God forbid Mag should bare her soul, huh, ladies?

Glad you worked it out with Casey, Magda, or I’d have my back WAY further up for you. I’ll leave out my commentary on the comments. *bites tongue and walk away*

8 01 2011
Magdalicious

🙂 Yeah, he was kinda being douchey but it makes more sense after I spoke with him, to him none of it was ‘news’ as we’ve been very close over the years and have talked about it all in the past. I still don’t think his take was helpful, but each to their own. 🙂 thanks though 😀

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