I Don’t Care (I’m not pretending any more, I’m trying)

17 11 2010

Ok so I was a little irked about a couple of things, and you know how it is… they float about in the back of your focus.  But if they keep getting poked and prodded they become bigger issues.  So a few things that were bothering me, came to a head enough to start to coalesce into a blog post.

So I’m driving home on Saturday evening mentally composing what I want to write in my head.  I got home and started, but literally got about two sentences in when Tracey called.  We hadn’t spoken in ages so obviously I talked to her over writing, but by the time we got off the phone I was knackered (was already pretty tired before I got home) and had to go straight to bed.  Not to worry I’ll pick it up the next day.. but guess not.

As usual with me, a day later.. and ‘meh, I’m good’ it’s back to floating about in the back.  It’s not that I forget or don’t care anymore, it’s more that it’s not such a priority, it’s not weighing on me.  So it becomes a draft, and left until it comes up again.  I need to write when I’m in a full snit, if it’s something that bothers, angers, upsets, confuses me or so on, I need to write about it when it’s still hot sauce.

It’s actually not even the same thing that prodded me into action, but on some level it has to do with the same things.  For me anyway.

My instinct is to try to pad it for everyone, make sure that no one takes it personally whether I’m writing about them or not.  Well guess what I am writing about you.  I’m writing about everyone, myself, those close to me and those not.  Obviously it doesn’t all apply to any one person, heck for some of you none of it may currently apply.  The point is I’m making general statements about the state of the universe and how we take things.  Far more of it It has to do with myself, yes you heard it here first.. it’s all about me. So suck it.

Here is what I was writing, let’s see if I can express it clearly.  Let’s the circus begin.

Dear Everyone,

Fuck off.  Did that get your attention?  Excellent, now that I have your attention I want you to really listen.  Fuck you, piss off and leave me alone.   Stop personalizing everything, somethings are just not about you.  When I’m talking about things, negative things about me that other people have said on me what exactly makes you think the right response is to just on the bashing me band wagon?  If I mention that it bothered me that someone said that ” I have no problem letting people know how smart I am”  it bothered me even when I got clarification that they didn’t mean it the way it sounded.   Do you really think the best response as my ‘friend’ is to tell me how I am pretty condescending and I talk down to people.   Hows does that make me feel?  Even better, when I make a joke about throwing myself at a guy and someone comments on how I’m pretty pathetic and I do that pretty often.  Really? (I don’t actually .. but fuck you, thanks for making me really self conscious about how I interact with everyone) You know why don’t I just start handing out knives, with lemon juice and salt encrusted blades, no need to stab, little slices will hurt more.

So what happens when people tell me all about all my charming little flaws?  All the things that I do wrong, how shit I am.   Oh, but you don’t mean I’m shit, it’s just little things about myself that I could improve that I could do to better myself.  If only I would just change, behave this way, not say these things, no do that, then I wouldn’t offend people, people would like me more.  Magda is as hard as a rock, she’s confidant and doesn’t give a crap so it won’t hurt her.

If you really thought I don’t care then why the hell are you telling me?  Why waste your breath?  Don’t get me wrong, I try to not really care, and in some ways I don’t care, but in reality I do care.  It hurts, I gnaw and worry over it.. I’ve hurt someone, I’ve been insensitive, I’ve given the wrong impression.  Fret fret fret.

I’ve always kind of respected the people who really don’t give a crap.  Sure they can be assholes, but they are far happier and satisfied with their lives.   I’ve even had conversations with some people like that, most of them say they haven’t always been that way.. most of them used to be a little mousy and one day they had enough.

Well I may seem like I am a confidant rock of a girl, that I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks.   I do care, I pretend that I don’t care, but the reality is I do care.  It’s upsets me when you tell me that I’m mean, rude, condescending, desperate, or what ever other helpful hints  you have for improving my personality.  Well I’m tired of it, I’m tired of getting upset, I’m tired of having my feelings hurt because I care. That’s enough, I am going to make an active effort to not actually care.

I like me.  I’m a good person, I care about my friends, family and people around me, I try hard to take be kind and caring person.  If that’s not good enough for you, then fuck off.  I don’t care.  I mean well, sometimes I make mistakes and I apologize for them but I’ve had just about enough of beating myself up over unintended slights.  Flagellating myself, over your perception and expression of all my faults.

And another thing, stop taking everything so personally.  Even if I am talking about you ( maybe I am maybe I’m not get over it already) so what?  When has getting all fired up and pissed off ever solved anything?  Does it actually make you feel any better?  Or does it make you feel worse?  I know it makes me feel worse.. I get angry, say knasty things, we fight.  Then there is some ugly tension.  Oh good wasn’t that nice?   Stop fucking doing that… yeah something you said or did may have caused me to think of something that prompted me to make a comment on facebook, write a blog post or make a video.  But that doesn’t mean it’s all about you!!! It takes approximately 500 incidents for me to care enough to actually say or do something.  Yes it’s about you, and 500 other people too.  Let it go, get a grip.

Thanks for listening.

Now if you stuck around to the end then let me add a little something.  Everything thing I just said about you equally applies to myself, in some situations even more so.  I need to get over myself and stop taking shit so personally, even if it is about me it’s probably not all about me.  And even if it is, it’s probably not that damn serious.  It’s not like you’re  going to end our friendship over some transgression, no more so than I’m going to if it was you.

Let’s all just get over it, shall we? (Or don’t, I’m working on not giving a damn…)

Kiss Kiss

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19 responses

15 03 2010
Nadine

I can so relate to this. It gets old having to walk on eggshells around people, worrying if what you say/do is going to offend people. What’s worse is trying to keep up with what offends Person #1 as opposed to Person #2, and so on. Good luck with the not caring part, I struggle with it all the time and if you find an easy way to get through it, pass it along, wouldya? Just know that I love you. “Flaws” and all, I think you are fabulous.

15 03 2010
Magdalicious

It’s is isn’t it? Fuck the eggshells I’m now stomping on them!! Now what bitches…. want to makes some arts and crafts with your fucking dainty eggshells?

I know right!!!! If everyone would just relax a little, then we would ALL be a lot happier and less stressed out. I’m seriously getting tired of it, I have tried changing I’ve tried taking it all seriously. Fuck it.. I’ve had enough. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to do. Join ME!!!!!!!
Love you too! hugs.. you are also full of the awesome !

15 03 2010
peg vince

Very well said my love you go girl. I too think you are a good caring person much nicer then your old mother….lol
love you babe
mom

15 03 2010
Magdalicious

Hey you’re pretty nice.. most of the time 😉 hugs love you!!!

I’m just cranky and have hit a point where I’ve had enough

16 03 2010
Jilly

This is about that time I said that thing and then you wrote that other thing and now you’re writing a whole blog about it? Seriously?! WTF. I don’t appreciate the tone you’re taking with this.

hahahahahahhaha
love you! Love the post! I could have written it, my friend Jen could have written it! I LOVE IT! And the little FB comments… that girl? SOOOOO FUNNY! Couldn’t have planned it any better!!

16 03 2010
Magdalicious

For a second I was like WTF did I do to you???? Chuckle…

I guess my point about it being an open letter to everyone.. everyone I know, close not close is.. it APPLIES to evey one. I’m certain that all of us have been in my shoes more than once, tired of all the crap. I think a lot of people can relate, I think it could have been written by a lot of people… hell feel free to copy and paste if you’re feeling like it! lol

In all fairness I was worked up before my friend on FB made her comment, I’m sure she just felt I was attacking her mom, which I can see as I had said earlier that I thought her mom was being silly over some stuff on FB. I totally get how she and other people make the connections (myself included), but my point is.. we all need to take a step back and think for a min. Is it possible they are talking about something/someone else? In my case… I might be referring to you .. but I’m probably not, I never make comments on what one person does.

I’ve just had enough of feeling bad… it’s not my problem that you(aka others) decided to get worked up. And I’m not making it my problem anymore. Damn it. 🙂 I’m not mad, and I’m not feeling bad. Shizaap! 😀 Join me!

16 03 2010
Tracey

You know why everyone always says I’m a bitch? Because I got to this point about not caring a few years ago and now just tell people to go fuck themselves.
You are a good person, and everyone has flaws. If you don’t want to hear about your own, tell them that it upsets you and you don’t want to talk about it.

You have been miffed about this “everyone takes everything too personally” thing for a while now though… so I think some of it might also be your perception of stuff that you are overly personalizing 😀 lol. oooooh the irony 🙂

16 03 2010
Magdalicious

It would be ironic if I hadn’t said right in the post that I’m just, if not more so in some cases, as guilty as everyone else… irony fail Tracey 😉

neener

16 03 2010
Dee

I totally could have written this many times over my life. I used to always worry about what people thought. Now? Not so much. If I have an issue, I take a moment and think “is this a mountain worth dying on?”. Usually it’s not. So I say nothing. But if it’s a festerer (new word, yay!), I will mention it later, in a not heated moment that it bugged me. Very passive aggressive of me, but it’s how I deal.

This whole scenario is why I now have a secret blog, where I have not invited my real world peeps. I found I could not talk about my issues without people projecting their own shit on me. All of a sudden I was responsible for shit that I didn’t even THINK of. For me, I decided to say “fuck you all” and go somewhere else. I got tired of the finger pointing and the “if you feel that way about you, then what must you think of me… you BITCH!!” bullshit.

On the other hand, you certainly learn who you can talk to about what, and whom you cannot talk to. Very enlightening. Sad, but enlightening.

16 03 2010
Magdalicious

Yeah… I was thinking about some conversations we’ve had in the past year when I was writing this. I’m just about ready to stop apologizing for who I am. what I do and where I’m going… I’m thinking about forming a union… wanna join?

I don’t know why.. but I’m not willing to compromise. I refuse to go underground if you will, if I do.. I’m gone, like fully gone, FUCK EVERYONE gone. It’s no criticism of you and taking your blog out of the eyes.. I get it.. sometimes I wish there were things I could say that no one or certain someone’s wouldn’t see with out it causing shit and drama but for me.. that’s what email and the phone are for :D. Hey at least yours was “if you feel that way about yourself then how do you feel about me?” mine always seems to boil down to deep horrible flaws with in me that mar me in other’s eyes.

You know what I have to say to all of it? You and me Sista.. we’re alright. Everyone else needs to get over themselves, lol and so do we sometimes ;).

16 03 2010
Dee

Ya, I’m with ya.

16 03 2010
miltownkid

Cool Story Bro 😉 lol

16 03 2010
Magdalicious

You’re a fuck face Casey! lol

20 04 2010
Kari

Yes. I care too much. I care way over the line of insane caring AND TOO TRUSTING. haha that is an under statement.

But I understand that completely. People telling me how I’m such a failure and how I am just going to waste away my life. I wonder if they think that is re-enforcement to get me to do what they think I should? Because simply that’s terrible motivation. What they should do is ask me what I want to do? and if I say I don’t know or I’m unsure. Help me decide give me options I may have never thought of.

Give me inspiration not kick me while I’m trying to get back up.
But well. That is what I need to get things done. Inspiration not someone pointing a finger at how screwed up I am. I mean who are they? Who are they to point out my flawed personality when I’m pretty sure they’ve got their own. Why don’t they try to change themselves then worry about if I am too saracastic or talk too much?

My point is. I agree.
People need to all worry about them own changing then everyone elses.

Blessed be.

~Kari ♥

20 04 2010
Magdalicious

TOTALLY!!! Your comment really nailed it on the head… stop kicking me while I’m down! I think everyone is so in everyone else’s ‘problems’ so much because they are just not willing to take a look in the mirror.
Hypocrites.

29 12 2010
-LT-

I like smart people so please let me know if you’re smarter than the average bear. It’s tiring to have to sift through crowds of people who want to talk about hockey.

29 12 2010
Magdalicious

Hmm well I consider myself to be intelligent, but don’t most people if you ask them?

Goodness where are you that, your subjected to constant hockey talk?

13 02 2012
Some lurker

You enjoy being the center of attention. You expect to receive constant positive phrase and seemingly crave it. You have a magnetic personality that draws people to you, and yet you are a social butterfly who can’t sit in one place unless the conversation’s about her. You enjoy throwing jabs and expect people to be caustic and cynical. Overall you have a magnificent personality, an A+ brain, super-smart and incredibly gifted in so many ways (far smarter than I am for one), yet here you reveal that underneath all of these gifts the mention of one flaw can spin you off on a hate rampage.

It’s really a quite ugly part of your amazing personality, that with all the hype and adoration heaped upon you (nearly constant praise and attention) as soon as people find any of a number of minor flaws you explode in destructive outrage.

And I’m not saying this in criticism, we ALL have flaws and most of us refuse to accept them. What you seem to basically be saying is “I wish I didn’t care but I do”.

But wait…
In reading your ENTIRE post (and I must admit I am guilty of only doing it to make sure before I post my own response here) I see that you do admit this shallow weakness and admit your realization of your own impotence.
So I do have much admiration… Read my above words with a grain of salt; know that I have to admonish myself for typing my own words without reading your message, for being just as stupid in assuming your meaning before I finished my post.

Great admiration for you Magda. It’s obvious that you care about this person who influenced you to make the post, and you have wrestled with the ensuing feelings of helplessness… I had thought you had typed all the above in reference to yourself, but apparently it was a message directed at your friend. I perceive now that you are stronger than I had thought, or at least, more self-aware. And I feel guilty that I was quick to judge you.

13 02 2012
Magdalicious

Well that’ll learn you (to read all the way through) 🙂 No worries we’re all guilty of it (saying something or jumping to conclusions before reading, or listening to the whole story, hell this isn’t even the whole story).. This post is old and yes I was writing with some specific people in mind as well as myself but made it an open letter to everyone in my life because at some point it applies to them all, myself included.

I can honestly say that while I was mildy taken aback at the initial part of the comment… and after a moments reflection 1) a lot of what you say is true, and I’m perfectly ok with with that. We all have flaws, I have mine, I’m sure you have yours, everyone does. I’m happy, I try to be good and enjoy my life and that is all that matters. 2) (no offence intended) 😀 I don’t give a shit what you or anyone else thinks 😀 (big smiles because it’s not meant to be harsh so much as amusing).

Thank you for all the lovely compliments, I appreciate them, they are very kind 🙂 Hope you have a good day dear lurker.

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