Lonely Girl in Taipei

21 12 2009

Sounds like a personal add doesn’t it?

Well it’s not, just a statement of fact.  (let me just pre-state I”m not looking for comfort or pity… but it’s just how I”m feeling and thinking right now and it’s my blog so I’ll pout if I wanna).

I have been feeling really sad lately.  Mostly things have been pretty good, but I’m just feeling quite lonely, I have wanted to be dating someone for quite some time.  But there doesn’t seem to be much happening in that department, don’t get me wrong if it was a sex thing I’d be all good but I’m just not interested in random (or not even all that random) sexual encounters right now.  When I was at home it was great fun, there was lovely flirting with well pretty much every guy I met.  I was spoiled to for choice, which lemmi tell yeah was an interesting change from the situation I”m experiencing these days here.

So why don’t I just leave?  Well other than the dating, life here is pretty great, I work less than 30 hours a week, make enough money to pay all my bills here and at home, do pretty much what ever I want most of the time  plus I have money left over.   I like my job (even though I would rather not have to work and dealing with school/parent politics drives me mad), I like my apartment, life is easy comfortable and chill.  It’s cold as all hell here but really it’s 11 degrees, I mean compared to the normal 25 it’s cold.. plus it’s really humid which makes the temperature more harsh.  So really complain as I may, it’s not way below zero, it’s a little uncomfortable with no heat or insulation but it’s not cold for all that long anyway.

So what this all adds up to is, nice life, chillaxed, I don’t need a gym membership bc I can work out outside all year long, I have the money to pay my bills and buy the things I want, I can go on vacation, I have free time to read, study, play games etc.

So what the hell is wrong with me?  I should be laughing, instead I’m f-ing sad as hell.  I don’t want to give up what I have, I am terrified to go home because I don’t want to be like everyone else miserable with my job, barely scraping by working 40-60 hours a week.  Never having the money or free-time to go on vacation.  But I’m so bummed out right now.  Everyone keeps saying ‘So Tracey’s leaving hu, that’s gonna suck’.  Thanks for reminding me.  Tracey is leaving and so is Melissa, at the same time, and they are the two people that I pretty much hangout with.  But I’m not even really bummed about that yet.  I’m not exactly looking forward to it, but there’s no point in getting all sad about stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.

So one little beacon of fun, has been hanging out with Casey (what how???), online.  We call on skype throw up a web cam, hang out chat and play games.  As a matter of fact we’re doing it right now, he’s looking at some web page, and I’m writing this.  The only down side to that is it makes how lonely and sad I am all the more apparent.  When he got out of the hospital and started getting better, he asked me to run off with him, I shut that down right away.  But come on who are we kidding?  He couldn’t possibly open that door without bringing up some feelings.

I told him to stop it, and he did, but then we joke around sometimes flirt etc.  And it’s great fun, but how pathetic am I?  Here I am, getting gloomier and gloomier because I do love him, always have, but it’s not like we could even make any kind of go of it.  And really he’s not going to make any effort or try and I would need that.

So I’m tickled pink to have my friend back, we chat and hang out almost everyday for hours.  But in a way it’s making me really sad.

Getting a little off topic here.  So my two good friends here are leaving, my family is all at home, all the guys who think I’m purty appear to be elsewhere.   And I’m lonely, not crying in my Wheaties (yet), but it’s becoming overwhelming.

I decided the other day that I need to keep a more positive outlook as I noticed my self getting down.  So I bought a note book and every evening I think back over my day and write down things that made it great, made me smile, made me feel happy, things I am grateful for.  Seems cheesy but it is nice and I think it works to a degree, ignoring the ‘irrelevant downers’ and focusing on the W00T.  (although this post is kinda the exact opposite, but whatever I felt i needed to get it out, maybe after the purge I can change, ignore or deal)

I don’t know what to do, other than move home and find me a BF, which seems lame, but whatever.  And I would just go, but it’s all the other stuff (great job, nice chill life) that a keeping me from doing that.   I don’t know what do to.. it’s all important to me.  I want it all, I really don’t think I’m asking all that much it’s not like I’m expecting ridiculous things…

I’m trying my hardest to keep the ole chin up, but :(.  <— I appear to be failing, bit by bit.   Rock, hard place, you both suck I don’t like either of you.

(Finally note, it’s been cloudy for a while and I just realized I haven’t gotten any sun in a while… as I suffer pretty badly from SAD, it’s probably a pretty big contributing factor in my being moody and sad… I wish it was the only factor.  That I could fix easily)

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