Letters Last Night

31 08 2009

I’ve been going through some stuff, throwing things out, cleaning etc.  And I came across a couple of letters I had kept.  Something about snail mail, you just don’t want to throw it away.

I wish I hadn’t deleted all the emails from my ex, but I did and they are gone now.  He freaked out at me for being  a bitch, that he thought I was a shit friend and wanted nothing to do with me.  I think it was a year or so after I had moved here.  Maybe it was only 6 months, buy either way he said some hurtful things that can never be taken back. And that was it for me, I couldn’t take it anymore, I cut him out.

Even after everything that happened between us, the stuff he did, he was still my friend.  One of my best friend’s in fact.  Perhaps we were both just to immature to handle it all.  But I do remember that the email where he told me he didn’t want to be my friend and that I was a shit person was really the end.  He tried his best to patch things up, he called he emailed, he wrote letters.  But nothing could undo what had been done.

In a way I guess it was a good thing, because I got to hate him for what he had done to me, which eventually (a very long eventually) lead to me getting over it and being OK now.  Which I don’t know I could have done with him being my buddy the whole time.  But at the same time, I was deeply saddened to reread that letter last night.  We were very close, it was part of why it was so hard to let go of the relationship that should have ended long before.

As I mentioned in ‘Dinner with THE ex…” I met up with him this trip to Canada, for the first time in 8 years.  It was good to see him, but it was also clear that things were very different.  As I mentioned he respected my space, at no point even touching me.  Which was good, because I don’t know that I would have reacted favourably to him hugging me.  And that frogs me, I hug EVERYONE.  But the idea of a hug, actually frightened me a little.

When I first found the letter I thought it must have been on of the ones from Stephen, he wrote me a few time and I wrote him back. although I think I failed to send any of my replies (sigh, I suck).  But …. I just feel kinda sad today.

This is the last paragraph from the letter and reading this makes me awe that I could have been so close with someone, and now so distant. 😦 He may have treated me badly, but the heart was there.

“I miss you tons, your cuteness, your amazing smile and your unquenchable energy.  What I would give for a hug right now.

Hugs from your eternal best friend.

– – – – “

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