Decisions decisions… and a little bummed out.

14 08 2009

Picture 071Bah, life!  Full of decisions, the hotness for some, personal hell for others. OH OH PICK ME!!   I loathe making a choice, boo what if I pick the wrong one?  What if, even worse, they are equal?  Everyone else seems to have no difficulty with these things meanwhile I agonize over what I want for lunch for Christ’s sake.  Boo

So what is the current crisis?  I guess crisis is a little strong, dilemma I suppose.  What should  I do next?  I love Taipei, I’ve left a few times I’ve even lived elsewhere and I can honestly say I love it there, the climate is lovely and toasty with mild winters, fun easy work, good pay low cost of living.  Sounds great hu?  So what’s the problem!

Well, I’m not Asian, and sometimes that rocks (like when it comes to rules we just get to ignore because we’re not local) and sometimes it sucks asshole, big hairy asshole.  I hate that I have no rights even though I’ve lived there for  nigh on 8 years, really??  Ridiculous.  They have stupid laws that actually discriminate against us, like this new tax law, we have to pay 3x the tax in the first 6 months of every year, no matter how long you’ve been a resident, you think I’m kidding, I’m so not.  Owning property and businesses is silly complicated for us, plus I live in a nation of tiny, or supposed to be tiny people.  So I am constantly inundated with comments like, you would be pretty if you weren’t so fat, and wow you run marathons and work out, so cool.. but how come you’re so fat?  You look terrible today, did you gain weight… the list goes on.  What it boils down to is no matter how much confidence I have, people still look at me like some HUGE beast.  Even the other foreigners get swept up in it, saying things like well if I ran that much I would be thinner than that.  Fuck off.  Yeah, I’m a little chubby (especially right now.. lazy girl on Vaca!) but Jesus, you all make me feel and it sound like I’m pushing 375.  I think my personal favorite is, it’s not your fault foreign people are just fat.  Even if no one says anything, you can see it in their eyes.  Know what I never see?  Admiration, attraction, appreciation in anyway trust me I’ve been looking.

Whine whine whine, I hate this whole line of discussion because no matter how you go about it, you come off as a‘ bitter white chick’ (trust me there will be a post about that later) sigh.  So is it really different?  YES (wait where are the bold and bigger fonts!!)  I have tried so hard to have a good attitude about it all, if you keep an open mind you can meet a great guy (or girl) anywhere.. it’s all in the attitude and the air etc.  Fuck that.  Culture  plays a big ass role in the whole thing, and not just Taiwan’s culture even the foreign culture in Taiwan (trust me it’s its own sub culture, and not one I like all that much all the time to be honest).  The simplest way to explain it is, In Taiwan at my thinnest and ‘best’ I’m overweight and not particularly attractive, if you could get around how ‘big’ I am then I might be kinda pretty, but meh not worth the time or effort.  In Canada (and the States), I’m a fucking catch!  Seriously, I’m probably in the worst shape that I’ve been in for the last 2-3 years, and everywhere I go, and I mean everywhere people comment on how pretty I am.  Guys are practically falling on themselves to be nice to me.  I’ve been asked out 5 times and I’m on bloody vacation for Christ’s sake.. when I try to explain to friends here how I end up feeling in Taiwan, they either argue with me 😛 or look at me like the retarded girl who moans about being ugly but actually looks super hot.  PFTT.. you have people prod you and tell you you’re fat/ugly everyday and try not wondering  if they might not be right.

Plus Canada is beautiful, the people are friendly, I can be my silly self and chat it up with random people and we all have a good time instead of them looking terrified. And the men.. oh the men.. first of all they are everywhere.. literally!  And there is a large number of them that are cute as hell.. yum.  Wait and my favorite part, they seem genuinely interested, suddenly I’m bloody spoiled for choice.

So what’s the problem?  Easy choice right.. get home girl!

Yeah so not that simple.  On one side we have easy breezy life style, where I work minimally am practically on vacation and travel all the time, but little to no prospects on  a nice fella.  On the other we have all kinds of lovely positive attention, and potential for a lovely boyfriend, but what the heck will I do for money?  I’m not bloody waitressing or some other shit job where I slave away having to work 7 days a week and not make any money to Travel and play with.  Fuck.  I can’t work out whether I want the salad or the sandwich for lunch, how am I ever supposed to work out something as big as this?  Some people say coming home is amazing, they just love love love it, great job, family, etc.. while others loathe it, no good work slaving away for pennies not free time.   Sigh.  What I need is some wealthy relative I never heard of to kick off and leave me a few million dollars.

Thoughts, suggestions, ideas?  Seriously, I’m open to what you guys think.  Maybe it will help me clear things up.

(Btw I wrote this 4-5 days ago, and I have been all bummed and sad.. Don’t know if it’s jet lag, depression or what.. I’m homesick, for where is anyone’s guess, I’m feeling very confused and lost.)

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14 responses

14 08 2009
Dee

Confused and lost… it’s in the air.

Sigh.

I think you need to list what job prospects you have here. Or what you want to do here. Then work backwards to figure out what you need to do to make that happen. In the meantime, bank every fricken penny you can towards your “moving home for good” fund.

Make a plan. Like you did when you were thinking of moving to the States. You can do this. You ARE amazing. You CAN be decisive. Yes you CAN, stop shaking your head at me.

I not only love you, I adore you, too.

14 08 2009
Magdalicious

lol shaking.. who is shaking heads? 😛

14 08 2009
Dee

ps: sorry i’m not answering my phone right now. I came on here only cuz Steve ran out to the store. but he’s going away tomorrow so tonight is about him. plus i am in sucky sucky sad land, and trust me, i’m not good people tonight. i need it to be about me, and just don’t have the capacity to pretend to care about anyone else’s stuff. is that evil? maybe. but it is what it is. and i know you get that. i’m glad i can say shit like that to you and you get it.

sigh. double sigh. sigh.

14 08 2009
Magdalicious

not to worry I get it 🙂

14 08 2009
peggy vince

I got lottery tickets we may never need to work a gain you can move any where you like
love mom xoxo

14 08 2009
Magdalicious

That would be nice.. do that!!! 😀

15 08 2009
Nadine

Well dahling as much as I would like to say “pack your shit and just get home!” I understand about the money thing. To parrot Dee (in all her infinite wisdom, YAY for smart big sisters :D) save your money like mad, like put a certain amount away NO MATTER WHAT each month. Hey I have an idea….. why don’t you take all those small ridiculous decisions that you agonize over (like what to have for lunch) and practice deciding ONCE, WITH RESOLVE. Then when the time is right, a decision like this won’t seem so difficult, because you’ll be more seasoned at knowing what you want and not worrying so much about what you’ll potentially be missing.

16 08 2009
Magdalicious

Yeah right now I plan on working on finding alternate money sources… which actually means bringing in less money right now.. but hopefully will mean a continuous flow of money later on. We’ll see what happens if Project money online isn’t as useful as I plan then I’ can always get another job and save money like a monkey

15 08 2009
bex

I heart you wherever you are!

16 08 2009
Magdalicious

Me too, you! xo

20 08 2009
Beth

I love reading yours posts when I get the chance because you find such a great way to describe how it is, passionately. Reading this one reminded me exactly of how I felt while living in Asia. At the risk of sounding full of myself (which believe me, with my self-esteem this is not possible, ha) in the States, I am considered a catch as well. After the mere 2 years in Korea and then Thailand, I began to think that this wasn’t true. I was constantly being told I was fat, every guy I met kept telling me about how much better Asians were to Western women, and if I ever said anything to the contrary, I was accused of being jealous and bitter (which I’m not). I came home, needing a hiatus (and to apply for the Peace Corps) and was shocked to find that I am in good shape, my blonde hair is still considered a positive, and guys (gasp!) really wanted to date me. That being said, I still have moments where I miss being in Asia so badly, even I have a hard time believing it.

I understand the difficulty deciding between the two. Life over there, as long as you can stay in your head and remind yourself that you are awesome and find a few people that agree, is easy, fun, and conducive to travel. Life here is great because you can fit in, have less complicated personal relationships, but then stress about how to make ends meet. And yes, I had to serve tables/tend bar for the past 8 months 😦

Now, I’m kind of cheating. I’m leaving for the Peace Corps to Azerbaijan next month. I’m hoping this will be a bit of a combo from the two, but honestly am concerned about moving to a conservative Muslim country, where women simply aren’t expected to do things. Luckily, I now have an incredibly supportive boyfriend, which will hopefully get me through the worst parts. The decision of whether or not to stay at home/live abroad is a difficult one, and what I’ve decided to do is just to keep going to different countries until I find one that makes me as close to as comfortable while still being an “experience.” I don’t know if you’re interested in other countries, but it’s a thought…

20 08 2009
Magdalicious

And I love it when you comment!!! It’s big thrill for me when people outside of my immediate circle read and comment on here!

Yeah I hear you, and I’m currently trying weight the differences, it’s becoming clear to me that having a serious relationship and feeling good about my self are difficult to achieve here. And that they are become more and more important to me as time goes by. I hope ti find a good balance somehow and somewhere. But exactly as you said, I’ve been back for less than a week and I already feel like a whale… and not pretty at all. I KNOW I’m great.. but it’s hard to remember when being bombarded with negativity. Sigh

I am interested in different countries.. but it’s feeling a bit like the devil you know VS the devil you don’t you know what I mean?

I guess I’m just going to have to grow the hell up and make some hard choices.

25 08 2009
stephenreid

Magda,

If you really need to come home, like really need to, then go back to school and get a kick ass career. You may say you could never get the funds together to do it, but you can – I managed the BEd after the BSC and am now working on my Masters…. I have never been rich, nor my parents, but there are ways to make it happen….

just a thought….

you should really be a lawyer, or perhaps a psychiatric nurse! – they make good cash…

love love

Stephen

25 08 2009
Magdalicious

Well I don’t need to do anything :). I have thought about that but school isn’t blowing any wind up my skirt, mmm and career seems rough. Actually getting the money together wouldn’t be that rough plus I’m eligible for student loans too.

I do revisit the the lawyer thing from time to time, a psychiatric nurse? Where did that come from?

kisses love you too!

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