Dear Canada, Bite Me!

7 07 2009

Dear Canada,

I know you have been saddened by my absence and that many things have changed while I have been away.  And while I’m sure there are many lovely things I have not had a chance to note or appreciate yet, I have a few complaints.

You realize the size of the cars your residents drive is retarded, right?  Especially as 90% of the time people are pootling about alone or with one person.  Why, then have you not made some nice cheap little 2 seaters that are fuel efficient?  I’m not even going to pretend this has anything to do with the environment (although I suppose it should), it’s just ridiculous!  Everything is so far away you usual must have some form of transport and it’s killa cold in the winter, I can think of 20 solutions off the top of my head.. come come now.  This isn’t the end of the world but it’s more than a little silly.

Let’s discuss the circle of fun that you put me through, shall we?  Let’s see my wallet was stolen/lost about 1 1/2 years ago in Taiwan, now obviously replacing my Canadian Cards wasn’t happening until I made it here.  Now stupid me, did I realize that I should bring my birth certificate  home with me? No, my fault I’m aware, but when the hell did the nation fall into a state of FREAKING panic.  Everyone was like.. but how do I know you are you?  Do you see this Passport????? Issued by our government???? Accepted BY EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AS DEFINITIVE ID??? DO YOU SEE IT!!!! As I smack you in the god damnity damn head with it?

Costco: can you replace my member card?  Do you have your Drivers license?  Die.

So, clearly all problems are solved with this magical drivers licence, yes?

I went to replace my card, and I have to pay a fee, ok, and oh wait.. can you prove who you are? What do you mean my passport isn’t primary ID???? REALLY?  Ok so my ONLY choice in this awesome situation is to order a new birth certificate, which costs $30, great.  What do I need to get that? Oh my name… REALLY.  Can I point something stupid out to you? Oh you see it already great I’m glad I didn’t need to explain it to you.  Canada, you are nothing if not contradictory and pedantic.

Well at least your staff are nice and friendly.  And everyone is super polite that’s quite nice, but oh wait that politeness comes with a catch?  You’re all super passive aggressive, and are insulted by the smallest imaginary slight?  Really Grow the hell up!! When I said it was nice, I meant what I bloody said!!! I wasn’t secretly telling you I loathed it but I was too polite to say so.. I would have just said, sorry I don’t like it.  LOOK… <– do you see?  Polite and honest.. GASP!

Oh and your police services leave a little to be desired too.  I like to call it the conversation circle of fun. You see you start by asking a question and then you get caught in this amazing little circle of answers and cross questions that GETS YOU NO WHERE until you vomit or run away.  Can I get a criminal record check? Do you have your driver’s license? (Die) SIGH* when I have it can I get one.  Well you have to be in your home town to get the check.  Why?? Because we like stupid rules that don’t make any sense.  What if I can’t get to my home town.. you have to go to your home town.  Um… is your needle stuck in the groove? Do you have your drivers license? I hate you, please die now.

Ok there is more but we’ll leave at that I’m going to eat some lunch .. meditate and it’s all going to go away… breathe in breathe out.. it doesn’t matter.

But seriously Canada… you’re not selling me on the wonders of living at home, you’re really not.  Your’e pretty but I think you might be riding on the short bus off life.  Good god is my country a natural blond… ?

Sincerly,

Magda

Ps I still love you though (just not today)

OH OH I almost forgot the awesome logic the girl at Costco used… I swear on my life this is what she said after I told her I didn’t have my license bc I’d lost my wallet “But how do I know you’re not a girl who happens to look like Magda (I had my passport) and YOU”RE the one who stole her wallet and all her ID and are now trying to get her costco card.”   Really?  REALLY did you think about that one for a second..maybe 2? No? Obviously not.. I I was an impostor…. wouldn’t I HAVE HER FREAKING ID as I was the one who  stole it?? an in that case WTF do I need you for I already have her Costco CARD… MORNON…. just say no.. don’t give me mentally retarder logic.. go claim your seat on the f-ing short bus with my country.

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8 responses

7 07 2009
Nadine

omg – WARN people to wear depends next time you write a post like this. You should know by now that what is frustrating to you is freaking HILARIOUS to the rest of us. Now I have to go change…. dammit…… Hope the rest of your trip goes a little smoother! Miss yooooooooouuuuuuuu!!!

7 07 2009
Magdalicious

Well I’m glad my pain brought you some joy :D… My bad depends warning.. must write self note 😉

hugs miss you too!!

7 07 2009
Canada

Dear Miss Magdalicious,

Have you ever considered that seemingly silly comments like those of the girl at Costco might be reserved for special people such as yourself who storm around looking like they’re about to explode, and that those you mock are, in fact, quickly and cleverly ridding themselves of your presence?

P.S. – We still love you though (even today). 😉

7 07 2009
Magdalicious

Dear Canada,
I remembered my Canadian bred manners and was very polite and kind to the morons I encountered today. And in true patriotic fashion, I waited till I got home to have a hissy fit :D.

Kisses!

7 07 2009
Eric

We’ll do some yoga when you get here, honey….. 😉

7 07 2009
Magdalicious

yay.. I love yoga 🙂

8 07 2009
Tracey

While pedantic and retarded, at least in Canada there is no language barrier :)With regards to idiots at the DMV (although I can’t believe that they wouldn’t accept your passport as valid ID) they are equally are retarded here 🙂 If that makes you feel any better. Really was blown away by the stupidity of the Costco girl though.

8 07 2009
Magdalicious

you’re right no language barrier and sometimes I think that’s going to fix everything .. but no.. SIGH* Oh it’s Valid Id.. about the same validity as say.. a student card. trust me not just them that says it… retards.. the lot

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