Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Those We’ve Hurt

1 03 2009


Have you ever had someone apologize?  Ok well obviously you have, but obviously I’m not talking about the normal circumstances.

The history is long story, and one that while I’m over I still don’t feel like getting into.   Let’s just say I was friends with this guy, in school and in the end he betrayed me and did some really bad crap.  I walked away from the experiences moderately damaged, it took me years to get over the whole business.   But all said and done.. I’m over it and have been for a loooong time.

As a matter of fact I hadn’t even thought about any of it in years.  (probably in part, due to  bad relationship in uni… that put other ‘bad experiences’ in perspective).   On goes life… and one day these is this new social networking site that absolutely everyone is on… Facebook enters the scene.

He added me as a friend on Facebook… I laughed rejected and went about my day.  On April 27th 2006/7   7 I think…  he sends me a message:

How’s it going? Just trying to reconnect with some people from back home. I am living in (_____) and working as a programmer for a small  company here building software and doing their IT stuff and website. I have two great kids (6 and 10 months) and a great spouse, so life is really great! How are things for you? Talk to you soon!


… Well I feel no need to be friends, but eventually I though what the heck.. I wrote back.. I’m good just back from Brazil living in Taiwan.. etc.  Didn’t ask anything or encourage a response.. he added me as a friend a couple more times and  I left it or rejected it.

So in June of that year he wrote:

Well let me start off by saying sorry for being such a shithead to you in high school. You were a true friend and I really wasted that by treating you bad. I blame a lot of that on (some chick from school) as she was the devil, but I am equally as responsible for falling for her shit. Honestly I am truly sorry for how I treated you and I wish that I could have stayed friends with you.

Thats great things are going well. How is life in Taiwan? I heard things are expensive there, maybe that is not the truth? How was Brazil? I always dreamed about going to that place and seeing all those girls in their thongs…. hmm the thong song comes to mind! What else is going on? Did you go to university? keep in touch!

… Well an apology is always nice, but really I have no need or desire to keep in touch… not out of anger or anything… more apathy than anything else.  I considered writing thanks for the apology, but then I didn’t really know how to follow it up… everything sounded bitchy and it just seemed to make more sense to not bother write anything at all.

That was .. around two years ago I guess.. again haven’t really thought about it.  Then I got another friend request.. I rejected it again no real reason other than why would I want to be .. even internet, friends with someone who was crap to me?

I just got a message from him today:

Just wondering how you are doing these days? I know that you have every reason to hate me as I was a total narcissistic little bastard to you when we were growing up, trust me I live with my mistakes everyday. Not only did I screw you over in the worst way, I betrayed you on the deepest level. For that I am sorry as I think we could have been pretty good friends in the end of it all, but being a douche when I was growing up was more important to me. Really when I look back at it I burned a lot of bridges back then, and I regret every one I hurt for no reason at all. I just wanted to say that I am sorry and I hope that what I did to you did not hurt you in your adult life, and if it did I truly apologize for that. I hope you are doing well and know that I truly feel sorry for how I was back then and I do think about it often. You were a good person to me and I used it and destroyed it.


I mean .. really.. hu.  I guess the whole thing would have meant a lot more to me back in the day, you know when I was still carrying all the hurt around.  That said, this seems to be a real, genuine, heartfelt apology.  And I honestly do appreciate it.

But it really gets you thinking, doesn’t it?  I mean everyone has wronged someone at sometime… have you gone back and apologized?  And if you have and they wouldn’t respond, would you keep at it?  I mean that is some serious amends being attempted.   Makes me wonder…. 12 step program?  heh

no really though…. interesting situation.  I think I’ll write back this time.. but if I’m being entirely honest I’m a bit stumped as to what I should say.  You were a dick.. but I’m over it?  hmm




8 responses

1 03 2009

Yikes. That is a tough one. Personally I think an apology now is too little, too late, but he has been very persistant, so I’m inclined to think he is sincere and truly wants to make it up to you. Can you mentally picture yourself being friends with him again? Hmmmm… what I might do in that situation is to write back, and tell him EVERYTHING he made you feel and think. Tell him how his behaviour affected you, and don’t mince words or hold back in any way. If it sounds bitchy, too bad. If he can truly own what he did to you, then he might be worth the chance. I said might.

1 03 2009
Peg Vince

Interesting it sounds like this person is really sorry they hurt you back in the day. One of the reasons I have tried in my life not to hurt people, is that I think we hurt our selves when we do hurtful things to others. Maybe this person has realized this, a big step in self growth and should be applauded. I would let them make their amends as it seems to be important to them. You have many people in your life that are casual acquaintances this person can be someone like that.

1 03 2009

@ Nadine… gawd that seems like a lot of effort :P.. I don’t think I can’t be bothered. Can’t I just say.. hey.. it’s all good. 😛

@mom sure 🙂

12 03 2009

Perhaps he’s an alcoholic and really is on step 9. lol

Why not just why he’s being so persistent about saying sorry?

12 03 2009

Why not just *ask* why he’s being so persistent about saying sorry?

The more comments the merrier right?

12 03 2009

would you believe it never occurred to me to ask him that?

15 03 2009

In matters of friendship and heart apology does not serve the purpose really no matter how you try to look at it. At best you may forget but never forgive.

18 03 2009

been there done that..
both sides of the situation.
Maybe he just wants to clear his head.. dunno..
its a tough thing to do saying sorry..
I would accept this.. say thanks.. move on..
If you want to be his facebook “friend” so be it..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: