The truth will set you free….

9 10 2008

Ok I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure the actually title has much to do with this post, but it might. Either way, I like it, 😉 and it’s my damn blog so it’s staying.

Ok.. big things a foot, or not depends on how you look at it. The past 7 days have been kinda whirlwind-y. I made to make some feelings clear and found out that I should have made a decision or at least said something earlier. I really seemed to be (to me and most other people) to be a very serious case of, ‘shit or get off the pot’, it must have been I only heard those exact words about 50 times this week. I made some rather heavy decisions, made real moves in that direction (I know I’m being cryptic.. get over it.. it’s what I do) and even though things aren’t turning out as planned, it was all really good.

The events aren’t actually that important, but the changes that happened for me really are.

Something in me was broken, caged or somehow disabled. I won’t go into how or why, it doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is it’s over, fixed and free.

I was going to do some wild stuff to get what I wanted, and in making that decision it opened something to me. I was able to see something about my self, and my past that I had shrouded and denied for years. Everyone has selective hearing and memory, but I had it to an art form. What a shock to find something about yourself so horrifying and hideous.

This little revelation had me pretty thrown, and I decided it was time to do something that I have been claiming to do for years (but really have been doing a bang up job of NOT doing) and listen. Not just listen, really LISTEN. I listened to things that had been said to me via memory over the years in regards to many things, and mostly I wasn’t too bad. But in some things.. whoa Nelly… someone needed a little bitch slap. (that’s me!) Well if that won’t send a girl into a little tail spin of self pity and loathing nothing will. I didn’t say much about it, because I knew everyone would tell me not to be so hard on my self and try to make me feel better. I didn’t want to feel better damn it… I need to learn something. Even my partner in crime said… (after being told to not try to make me feel better) that she has often been shocked at my self delusion at times. (Thing of that past really, but still had a nice rose coloured blanket laying over it so I couldn’t see it).

Then I decided to try doing some ‘real time’ listening. Man did that suck. It’s over, let it go…. ouch ! My decision but still with the ouch. I spent all of yesterday floating between being “fine” but numb and sobbing my face off. I knew, deep down, it was for the best for me but that didn’t change how I was feeling. Lemmi tell yeah, focus and NEED something for 3 or more years and then just drop it.. again with the ouch! Holy crap and if that wasn’t the damn problem right there… WTF I need??? Even I know that’s lame. 😀 Living la vida lamo 😛

So, while sniffling in the elevator, I decided I had two days to be a wreck and then I had to pull myself together. I mean really, two days should be enough time to real wallow in pain, shouldn’t it? lol..

This morning I woke up tired and drained, honestly I felt very numb. Like all emotion and energy had been drained. I though to myself, well today is going to be a party and a half, fuck, can I just stay in bed? Dragged myself to work… numb like dead people all bloody morning. I’ll be honest, I definitely interpreted that to mean I was hella depressed. Strangest thing though, wasn’t crying. Not even when I poked and prodded at my ‘wounds’, nothing. “Hmm” I thought “interesting”. Followed by the uhoh.. I’m not all dead inside or something equally awful??

😀 😀 Turns out no… lol. You ever feel fine and wonder oh crap I’m not sad, what’s wrong? Turns out that was me. I dragged my lazy bum out for my run.. and it hit me. I free. If I could fly I would have. My run was in no way eventful, if anything I was a little slow today. But I realized a weight that had been dragging me down, had been lifted. I would love to blame others for that weight, or the cage that I had been put in, but really it was all on me. There were individuals who used my insecurities as a weapon, and built a cage to hold me in. But I helped, I allowed it. I don’t mean that in a self loathing sort of way, it’s just that I have always had the power to break free. I made the constraints stronger by believing they weren’t there.

Now this all my be a little premature on my part. And I’m sure I still have all kinds of things to work out or on. But today is a new day, and it seems pretty interesting.

Damn… sorry! That was long as hell. Oh well 🙂

(chuckle let’s just hope there isn’t a little crash and burn on the other side of tomorrow, shouldn’t be unless my damn sister’s ass comment is actually got some truth to it… lol ) 😉




6 responses

9 10 2008

Um… which “ass comment” was that??

Does this mean you are not going to the States?

*waits with bated breath*

9 10 2008

Interesting you had one of “those” this past week. As much as you and I have been so far away from each other we are still the same in lots of ways. I was reading and thinking this is so odd, I just had the same friggen thing happen and didnt tell anyone, I had been dealing with a few things (inner) for a couple of years but everytime they came up I jammed them in my “feelings box”, well it broke open about a week ago after pushing myself to stay awake for hours. The next day I felt numb but better, each day so far has only brought positive things, new friends, and sunshine to everyday!!

So instead of saying “oh its okay magda” I am going to say Congradulations on breaking open your “feelings box” a rush of positive things is comming your way!!!


10 10 2008

@Dee The bipolar one.

@Bex You what’s funny? That run I was on.. I thought of you… and the whole business with your mom not wanting me to come here because something was going to happen that she didn’t know that I could handle. I wondered if all of the stuff leading to the ‘revelations’ was what she was referring to.

Honestly I did my best to avoid dealing with my issues… I did a bang up job of denying that there were any issues. But a good friend who I used to make my delusions worse, helped me a lot to makes some changes that need to happen.

Today is day two.. still no horrifying crash. 😀

Thanks hun hugs! I miss yeah congrats to you too 🙂

10 10 2008

Sounds like your holding up just fine. Keep up the good work!

15 10 2008

oh, i missed this post.

Good for you honey. I mean, I support you in any endeavor, but I am so proud of you for listening and learning, and perhaps now you will be open to the next great thing that comes along!

Love you!

15 10 2008

Thanks! The support an stuff are all kinds of nice to have.

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