Disclaimer:
I’m not looking for sympathy, nor am I complaining. It’s a long ass post, a lot of it is rough and if you don’t want to know or hear about it then don’t read it, don’t get cranky with me. I’m just trying to in part exorcise some demons as well as give some perspective into me. I would really like to preface this with, if you have never heard anything about this it’s because I try not to bring it up. Also keep in mind that I colour everything as much better than it was, in part because I don’t remember and in part because I think others have had worse. My life is very good, and all of my hardships are nothing really. For those who don’t understand me, perhaps this will shed some light. I would like to point out that I try to keep a positive attitude and look on the bright side, I still trust people. I think everyone is lovely until they are crap to me. I try my best to be kind, and understanding to others. I try to make up for my inadequacies, and apologize for my mistakes. I don’t always succeed, but I do try.
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At times I’ve been accused of being cold, or that I have such a tough exterior that everyone thinks that nothing with bother or hurt me. Which couldn’t be further from the truth, I try now to be more clear, don’t know that it helps, shrug.
A lot of things have been said to me over the years, a lot of things have been done. To me most of it is water under the bridge, nothing worth dwelling on, and moaning about. But it seems that a little perspective is in order.
As a kid I spent years being told that I was a piece of crap, that I was worthless, I would never have any friends or anyone love me. Not by my family, they always loved and supported me, it was everyone else. I’d get into the details but to be honest I don’t remember them. You’d probably be better off asking my friends and family who were there and saw it.
People who have known me a long time, often comment on my ability to look on the bright side, or at least try to find something fun, happy and distracting. To put the pain and hardships aside and enjoy what I can. That said I did and still do cry in the corner, when I’m alone, or with others if I’m pushed.
When I was in my early 20′s I was told that my mom was always terrified, given the hard time I had in school, that I survived it. That everyone was terrified I would commit suicide. And don’t get me wrong, I thought about it a lot, but I never did it because it seemed to selfish and harsh to others. So even in the midst of my own pain, I still thought of those I loved. And when I was told about this, I was really shocked, all I could think was ‘ come now it wasn’t all that bad was it’?
I have always tried to be a kind and giving person, and while I may not always succeed clearly I’m not all that bad at it. From what those who care about me say about me when I’m feeling down or having a hard time. But perhaps they are not being honest, they are just being kind.
So why has all the relationship stuff been getting to me recently? Well my ex who I adored, I loved more than anything, broke my heart 7 ways from Sunday. Numerous times. Nothing I ever did was good enough. But so what? That’s nothing all that special.
Cue feelings of being unworthy from my youth, years of trying to build confidence and self worth, seem pointless. But I made it through all that and even managed to remain friends with an ex. S that’s not it.
So why is it so easy for me to fall back on the old stand by? No one likes me, no one will love me, I’m not good enough to have what I want?
Well it’s a few things. But I’d like to be clear, I’m not blaming anyone else, nor am I trying to shirk any responsibilities for where I might be in life (in spite of some recent accusations). I’m just trying to shed some light on things, for myself and others. Perhaps what I need is to lay it all out and face the past, pretending it’s not there isn’t particularly helpful anymore.
When I was a kid, I was a happy little thing, I trusted everyone I liked everyone. But other people are mean, cruel and spiteful. I wanted to be friends with everyone, but someone decided I should be hated and I was. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties, and if I was those kids were told to un-invite me and not be friends with me or they would be black listed too. Imagine how hard it was for a little girl, who just wants to be friends to be invited to a party, and then be told, sorry you can’t come and I can’t be your friend anymore. And then have that ‘friend’ eventually join in the taunting and beatings?
I’m not a violent person, I’ve never been in a fight, I’ve never hit anyone. So why am I so aggressive at times? Why do I talk the talk? Because it was the only defense I had. I get angry when, I accused of lying, or when I’m afraid. If you scare me I respond with frightening anger, if I poof up big enough, you’ll back off and stop trying to hurt me. It worked so well, that it became part of who I was. Yet through it all I’ve tried to grow, let things go and get past all this. I don’t just randomly abuse people, I don’t sit around bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t invited to this and that.
So why haven’t I talked about this before? Because everyone has their own problems, everyone had their own issues from when they were kids. And I don’t want to be another person whinging about how hard their life was, that’s it’s why they are such a whiner now. It annoys me, we all have shit to deal with, deal with it. Move past it. But that said, obviously I understand the hurt feelings and the fact that our present is coloured by our past.
Move on to the teen years, the beatings stopped, because I stopped them by being mouthy and a bitch. But the constant abuse from my peers didn’t stop until I went to university. In high school, I would marvel at the magic when someone would say we were friends. I used to count my friends. At one point I had 25 people who would be my friend, amazing. It’s all a blur to me, I always say it wasn’t that bad… but Tracey and others that were there disagree. The only incident that stands out in my mind, is when I was egged, and almost beaten for having the nerve to be at a party. Why do I remember this? Because to me, it’s a heart warming story, three of my friends stood up for me and insisted on leaving with me.
On relationships in high school, chuckle.. yeah right. There was my friend’s boyfriend who always tried to get me to hook up with him behind his girls back (story of my life), and all the guys who wanted to fool around as long as no one found out. When no one was around they all wanted a piece, because I was hot, but they didn’t want anyone to know because I was hated. (that didn’t’ hurt at all).
Then there was a guy I was friends with, I was tutoring him in math, he was a grade younger than me. We ended up fooling around all the time, you know how teenagers are nothing interesting though.. just smootching. He was kinda in with the cool kids, and stood up for me! He was willing to be my friend in public! Nothing more(in public), but hey to me it was amazing. Then he pushed things, ‘forced’ me to do things I wasn’t ready or ok with using our “friendship” as leverage. And then when I complied, basically threw me out. The next time I saw him, I said no.. he laughed and said you never wanted to the first time too right? Well you’d better leave then. And basically never spoke to me again. My lesson from this? After the pain of the betrayal? In the long run it was a good thing, because before that I couldn’t say no. I wanted so much to be liked I would have done anything. Well I found the line and it was drawn.
The Friend who replaced him, Donna is another long story, but the short of it is, she was my best friend we practically lived in each others pockets and then one day she started dating a guy who hated me. Bye friend.
University, hooray! A whole new world a new start. I had friends, lots of them, more than I had any idea what to do with. Some people loved me, some hated me shrug c’est la vie. Everything was great, I started dating (how exciting). Unfortunately I fell in with a really slimy dude right at the beginning of school. But I was so excited to have a boyfriend who was proud to show me off (of course he was, I was f-ing hot and he was a wanker). Of course, he cheated on me at ever possible opportunity and then dumped me for one of my ‘friends’ who btw wasn’t very attractive. And yes that makes it worse. So my first real boyfriend, tossed me aside like all the others. Oh hi there insecurities, damn you.
That’s ok, it’s uni. Life went on. I fell madly in love with a guy from my Boxing club, he was gorgeous, sweet and wonderful and best of all into me of all people. We were only together for a short time, but he was my first real love. What happened was just stupid youth and lack of communication, we were both silly. But it felt like he just walked away from me. But I was ok with it, I always wonder what if though.
Let’s not forget the breakdown I had in school. I just wigged out completely, ended up in the snow sobbing no knowing what was going on. According to my counselor it was all the bad emotional trauma from school that I had bottled up, spilling out now that I was emotionally stable enough to deal with it. But not knowing the source of all these feelings drove me bonkers and stressed me out.
Then I met another guy, we hit it off hugely. We started dating, and it was bad. I loved what I wanted him to be, I loved that he adored me so much. but it went all wrong. He became possessive and abusive (he didn’t hit me it was other things that there is no need to get into). I tried to get out of the relationship, but he did his damage well. (side note, he’s a very good person and he never meant to do any of this, he was a good guy who was young and stupid he was desperate to not lose me, we all make mistakes, and I forgive him so no need to get up in arms. I could be more honest and revealing of what happened, but why?). Over our time together, he convinced me that no one would ever love me, only he would. And that I would die lonely, old and alone with out him. (Don’t get me wrong, I was a fucking bitch to him, but I was trying to defend myself from him and what he did in private). Our relationship was fucked up.
I have gotten over everything he said and did, except one. I will always be alone, that no one will ever love me. That I’m not worthy of love. That one is just a slightly different flavour of the same cake from when I was younger.
Fast Forward, life in Taiwan. Actually after him, I didn’t want a relationship or men. I was genuinely afraid of them and what they would do to me and my life. Because no matter how much I hated him for what he did, it was nothing compared to how much I loathed myself. I am a strong person, and I allowed it to happen. Clearly I was too weak to allow men in my life. 
In comes the gay best friend, for years we were inseparable, another long story short. He told me that all my friends hated me, and that he loved me but it was difficult to be around me with other people because they all hated me. That I was a burden. How nice. My friend Sarah was there for all of that, I always felt bad that Sarah had to know me in such a dark time of my life. Her comment? she was amazed given how crap my called friends were up to, what a wonderful, kind, and happy person I was. lol I still don’t get it.. I swear I was such a gloomy gus. But then again I only remember feeling bad, but I remember Sarah fondly, we had so much fun being silly, shopping and running about the city. I miss her 
Years later, all wounds have faded, on the surface anyway. And I met my second love. Most people know the story, it was messed up, it got way serious way fast. And I couldn’t handle it, so instead of going with what I wanted I was terrified, this guy wanted to leave his wife and run away with me. The last guy who was that into me, hurt me very badly. I was scared, and then I lost him. I realized I was in love with him. I tried to fix it. things were a mess, everyone had a lot of stress and hurt.
I messed things up, and that’s ok. It ended ( a couple of times, sheepish grin), and in the end we stayed best friends. But his girlfriend hates me, and doesn’t want us to be friends. And he thinks I don’t take responsibility for my life, so we shouldn’t be friends right now…. words.
There you go, now you know some of it. Blah blah blah.. woe is me.
And that’s just it.. isn’t it? I don’t think woe is me. Yeah I’m bummed that I’m not in a relationship, but it’s not like I’m interested in settling for something crap, i think I’ve had my fair share of crap thank you very much. But everything else in life is mostly ace. Sure I get a little lonely sometimes, I miss my friends (the bastards either don’t move and I do.. or they move.. very insensitive lot really 
).
Sure I miss having a relationship, someone who loves and cares about me. And even more so someone who I can care about and dote on, yes i’m that lame chick.. what of it. (fisty cuffs)
It’s not about getting laid… I’m a chick, give me a break, I could get that 7 times a day if I felt like it. I really don’t think I’m asking too much, to want to meet someone who I find attractive, who is an interesting person, around my age and is interested in and appreciates me.
So what if sometimes, I get a little down? Mostly i just try to enjoy my life, I’m on the fast track to paying off all my debt I have wonderful friends (albeit all over the world.. seriously you guys wanna go buy and island somewhere together? Just saying>.<.
And in the face of it all… I still believe in love, and romance, in spite of no evidence of it and all the evidence to the contrary. I don’t think all guys are bastards, actually I think most off them are quite lovely even if they aren’t suited me, or I them. I don’t think new people and friends suck, actually I’m sure they don’t. I trust people, I care about people, I try to be kind and understand to everyone. Yet I still seem to get walked on.. sigh. Perhaps I should just go back to being a hard candy shell, cold ass bitch. At least then I didn’t feel taken advantage of. When people tossed me aside, I just got angry and stormed about thinking ‘fuck you’, now I just sit in the corner pondering what I did wrong, what did I do to make these people be so mean to me. The get angry with me, to take what I say or do incorrectly? Now I take all the blame, all the responsibility for how my actions bring situations about.
In some ways I’m tired of putting myself out there and trying, but it’s part of who I am. I’m even more tired of trying to please everyone and be who and what they want. I’m just rambling now.
But it was sunny and lovely today, and I’m done writing now. I’ve already mostly forgotten what made me do it in the first place or what half of it was even about. I don’t feel like rereading it… so ha gonna just post it. Take that.
Hope everyone has a lovely day <— I remember enough to know that’s a little messed up lol, oh well such is me.
As I said I went to 3C and unfortunately they didn’t have the exact model I wanted new, so I could have a display model or get a new one a little bit less pimp (sniffle) and save 3000nt (hundred dollars Canada). But again it’s the membership price, but I rolled over him right at 10pm (just as they were closing) and just informed him that I always get the member price. DONE. And I got an extra 1000 nt off (well actually the price online was 1000 less than the posted price in the store), WIN. And when I asked at the original store they told me that it would cost 1500 to upgrade the ram from 2gig to four gigs, but this guy upgraded my ram to 4gigs for only an extra 600nt. So that means, 10999 plus 600 for a total of 11599 yay, WIN. That ends up being 3600nt (120cad) cheaper than the computer was going to cost me in France, for a computer that’s a bit better (slightly upgrade CPU, bigger hard drive).
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